Monday, May 07, 2012

I'm Back!

After 7 years, I'm finally back here, writing and trying to clarify my thoughts by making them more 'visible' by capturing them in print.

So much has happened to me since I last posted on my blog in 2005.

The most significant things that have happened to me would be these two:
1. How I have stepped out of my old self to become a more independent and stronger person
2. What I have become today and continues to be transformed into becoming day by day

How did I get to become more independent and stronger? I was (quite literally) pushed into making changes in my life. From being a dependent wife, I became an independent one. I learned so much within  three years. The learning curve was steep! It sure was tough, but thanks to God, He enabled me to learn and He transformed me moment by moment; step by step; day by day; week by week; month by month; year by year.

Even in my darkest hour, God's love and loving kindness never failed to keep me safe and sound. Even when I went through the pain of a heartbreaking betrayal, I was never abandoned to fend for myself -God was always there for me!

When the pain in my legs became too much to bear, God cleared the way for me to obtain release from the daily grind: I prayed that He help me secure an approval for retirement with my pension and healthcare benefits given me, and God answered my prayer granting me what I asked for. Everyone I knew could not believe that it could happen, but it did. I got the approval and now I am a happy pensioner/retiree.

Since I no longer need to be standing on my feet and walking about / climbing stairs at the working place,  my legs are no longer in pain. At night, when I go to bed, I am able to fall asleep. I get to enjoy good quality sleep each night for a full eight hours. What a difference that has made in my health and in my well-being. I am no longer sleep-deprived, depressed and tormented by pain.

What I am most thankful for is how I have been granted good health and now am able to sit on the floor, cross-legged; flex my knees freely; kneel on a cushion without any pain; walk and run confidently with no fear of my legs giving way on me; climb up and down staircases like anyone else would; and sleep peacefully through each night without being awakened by pain in my legs. These are things that most healthy people would take for granted. Not for me! I am so thankful for these!

How I thank God for making all this possible for me! I believe it is only possible because of divine intervention. God is worthy of the glory due His name!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Meaningfully Occupied!

This December I am, for the first time in years, free from having to go under the knife!

This December I didn't have to face any of the following:
No more surgery!
No more hospital stays!
No more intravenous drips!
No more desperate search for elusive veins so as to set up intravenous drips for surgery!
No more awful smells in freezing operating theatres!
No more long, uncertain hours of waiting -on an empty stomache, cold and starving! - for the medical attendants to come upstairs to the ward to take me down to the OT!
No more nausea and vomitting after the surgery!
No more painkillers and other post-surgery drugs that knocks the senses out of you...turning you into a sleepy zombie!
No more plain and uninteresting hospital food! (except for those times when I enjoyed each and every meal at KKH!)
No more midnight temperature and blood pressure measurement by nurses....no more interruptions to my beauty-sleep!

And, best of all....I am able to sleep in my own bed, in my own "ragged" and faded but comfortable pj, with my own comforter and blanket, my own unique scent on my own pillow, right next to my own beloved one!


I am so thankful that all those surgical procedures are now all behind me!

Except for one more minor one - I hope, it's going to be minor - for to remove the screw from my left leg, next year!

This December, after waiting on the sidelines for the past 3 years, I am able to sign up for, and attend the course I have been longing to do!

From 28 Nov till 9 Dec, I successfully completed the Orton-Gillingham Course conducted by DAS! My dream come true! Now I am better able to help my students! The hours used up during my school holidays have never been more meaningfully spent!

Thank you, Lord, for this opportunity to learn from this Orton-Gillingham course! Help me to use the skills and knowledge I have learned to help many others. Make me a channel of your blessings!

Thank you, Lord, thank you for blessing me with all those friends whom I have met by your divine appointment during the course of my 2 weeks spent at DAS - Tsui Mei, Joyce, Shenmee, Elizabeth, Alice, Ruzita, etc, etc, etc! Bless Farid (and Farisha) and his family!

Monday, October 10, 2005

Full of Thanksgiving!

Lord Jesus,

Thank you that your love and care for me - and for each of my loved ones - is constant, unconditional and everlasting.

What comfort and solace there is for me to know that even if I, or my loved ones who have accepted you as their Personal Lord and Saviour, and who belong to you -whether or not they still acknowledge that fact today- were to lose sight of you and of your love for us, you would still be here loving us and caring for us, working out your plan for our lives according to your perfect will and design.

Thank you that you lovingly take care of us in ALL circumstances.
Thank you that you are sovereign and that, being God Most High, you are firmly in charge - you are seated on your throne in Heaven; you rule from on high. Nothing escapes your eye.

Protect us and enable us to continue to live in fruitful labor for you, only for you!

For me: to live is Christ, to die is gain. Help me to live in fruitful labour for you.

May it be your love that compels me to live for you each day. May your love in me be the divine force that helps me carry on each day, regardless of (and in adverse circumstances, in spite of) all that I face each day.

Bring me, once again, to the point where I can say with honest conviction and joy that I am thankful in and FOR all circumstances....because I can see your hand at work in all situations and I am conscious of your presence in every single moment of each day! I have, somewhat, lost sight of that. Take the cobwebs away. Let the eyes of my heart see clearly again.

In your compassion, mercy and grace, allow me, once again, to see you when I seek your face. Enable the eyes of my heart to see, cause my ears to hear, and give me a heart of love for you and for everyone whom you daily place in my life. Stir my heart to love as you love and to beat with the one and same beat as yours. Let me have the heartbeat of God. God is love.

Let your love compel me to live.
Enable me to live courageously and in godly boldness.
Enable me to obey you when you say to me, "Be strong and be courageous!"

Truth be told....with each passing day, I am finding it harder and harder to cope with the fast pace of life. I sometimes feel that I can't keep pace. I am so exhausted from my struggle to stay relevent!

I wish to opt out of the rat-race. I am no rat! I do not wish to participate in this rat-race!

I no longer want to live for my work. I do not want to be driven by achievements and live only for success at work. Life used to be like that for me. It used to be so important for me to enjoy a sense of achievement at my working place and to have job-satisfaction at work.

To achieve that elusive sense of satisfaction with my own achievement, I pushed myself harder and harder, more and more. I found it hard to be satisfied. My attainment was never enough. There was always more out there for me to reach for. I was never good enough. I became my own slave-driver. I became my own harsh and unrelenting task-master.

It is no longer like that. I am no longer driven by my ambition to succeed at work. I am no longer obsessed with obtaining recognition for being outstanding in what I do at the working place.

Now, rather than to live to work, I work to live.

It used to be that when I set off for home each day, I would feel guilty about leaving the working place. Somehow I used to feel that I ought to have stayed longer and to have done more. I had this nagging guilt-feeling that I was not doing enough.

Now, at the end of the working day, I leave the working place without a trace of guilt feeling. I do my best during my working hours. Come the end of the working day, I leave with peace of mind, knowing that, by God's grace, I would return the next day to give it my best shot again. I set off for home, eager for a well-earned rest, and for time and space to do other things which are equally important in my life!

My working life is now but just another aspect of my life. It used to be MY LIFE. It is now merely a part of my life.
I am no longer defined by my occupation.

Lord,should you now open the door and lead me to step out into another place of your own divine appointment, I feel I am ready. No, I should say, "I know that I am ready!"

I am in your hands.

May I borrow Paul's words from Romans 9 to liken my life in God's hands -at His disposal- to that of clay in the Potter's hands? Some may object as they may say that I am quoting this passage out of context. I am unsure if I am doing something which is displeasing to God. It is simply my wish to proclaim God's sovereign control and rule over my life.
"Who can resist God's will? But who are you, my friend, to answer God back? A clay pot does not ask the man who made it, "Why did you make me like this? After all, the man who makes the pots has the right to use the clay as he wishes, and to make two pots from the same lump of clay, one for special occasions and the other for ordinary use." (Romans 9:19-21 TEV)

This speaks to my heart. It causes me to realise that I was living in pride.

Forgive me for my pride in the past.
Thank you for helping me to come to accept that it is really alright to be ordinary.

We are constantly urged to strive to be excellent. In our society's relentless pursuit for excellence, it is so easy for us to swept along and become carried away. It is so easy to come to a point where we begin to withhold respect, or even be tempted to put down anyone who is anything less than excellent. Yes, we might even begin to deal harshly with ourselves when we are anything short of excellence.

You've exhorted us thus : "Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God -what is good and is pleasing to him and is perfect." (Romans 12:2 TEV)

Help me. I yield myself to you to have me transformed inwardly by a complete change of my mind. Cause me to have the mind of Christ. Help me view life in/from your perspective and to value what you value, to love what you love. Help me to love and respect everyone, every single person, regardless of their achievements or the lack of them, regardless of their position and status in life. Fill me with your divine love. God is love.

Live out your life within me.
I come under your banner.
I want to be identified with you.

And make this life count for you, in everything I say and do!

Thank you that you love me so unconditionally, so graciously, that you are even pleased to have me be identified with you. I am so unworthy! You are a gracious God!

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Weeks and Months ahead

Limping.

Coughing.
Wheezing.

Retching.
Vomitting from too much coughing.

Throat bleeding from too much coughing.

My voice, threatening to go on strike, has become hoarse and raspy.

My head throbs from coughing.
My diaphragm hurts from coughing.
My shoulders ache from coughing.
All the muscles in my body are tense and aching from coughing.

I am sick of coughing!

I am losing my voice
And...
I am going back to teach.

Come September....I'll be going back to teach.

Now, I'm not looking forward to this September.

P is going to be away for two weeks....first Taiwan, then South Carolina.
I'm going to be "full-time" Mom AND Dad during those two weeks.

Come October, C is going to New York.

Me? Still stuck here in Singapore, as always. The furthest I have ventured within the last 10 years is to West Malaysia and Indonesia.

Those two have had opportunities to go to Italy, Switzerland, Japan, several parts of the States, Australia and China.

It's been 10 years. If not for the occasional short trips away to West Malaysia and Indonesia, I would probably never have left the shores of Singapore. I'm beginning to be tempted to feel deprived, and short-changed. Help me, I need to find mental and emotional equilibrium again.


Be gone, Spirit of Bitterness! You have no place in my heart! Your bitter roots will not have me entangled....I will not allow you! You don't belong in my heart! Go away!

Come, Spirit of Love. Fill my heart with love till it overflows. My heart belongs to Love.

Friday, July 29, 2005

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Three things which gripped my attention today:

(1) The Good :

Three cheers to Soon Sze Meng for writing that article “Moving Up: Does School System help?” (ST/Insight/Friday Matters/Page 30/July 29 2005)!

Sze Meng has hit the nail on its head!
No one could have said it better, or clearer.

Mentioned in Sze Meng’s article were several issues which, I believe, if left undealt with, might rear their ugly heads to undermine or even warp our meritocratic system.

The points raised in Sze Meng's article addressed several pertinent issues, one of which is about how there appears to be barriers hindering upward social mobility particularly for the majority of the general population. Other issues raised were about our society’s widening income gap, and about how elitism appears to help perpetuate the disparity between socio-economic backgrounds.

Wah! I am so happy!

Finally someone has helped me articulate my very thoughts in writing!
I hope those who are in the position to make a difference, those in policy-making capacity would sit up and listen! And do something about all these issues to contain the widening gap in disparity between the 80-20% of our socio-economic poles.




(2) The Bad :

I was reminded today of something which really irked me: The Potential Harm Inflicted By Pseudo Fitness Gurus!

It really pissed me off - watching one of our local models cum tv celebrities host this tv series which promotes healthy living.

While it is good and generous of her to share her personal tips on how she has managed to keep herself skinny, but thankfully, still healthy, I do not think it is a good idea to have her demonstrate exercise routines and dish out advice as if she were a qualified fitness guru. Is she truly qualified to do so?

Qualified personal trainers would tell you that one should't clasp one's hands behind one's head while doing abdominal crunches as this might cause injury. The proper way would be to cup one's hands over the ears and stay relaxed, breathing normally while doing the crunches.

From that particular episode I watched, the said tv artiste clasped her hands behind her head while she did abdominal crunches using a big exercise ball to support her legs. At the end of a series of exercise routines using various contraptions, she was rendered breathless and panting even as she struggled to deliver her script. Was she truly fit from doing all those exercise routines? Did she do them right? Why was she so breathless? I wish I could have qualified body trainers enlighten me in this regard.

I also hope that the tv producer would exercise greater caution and responsibility - while it may boost viewership ratings to have this pretty and popular tv celebrity demonstrate the exercise routines, it may not be the proper thing to do, as it may cause sports injury to unwary viewers, especially vulnerable are the young fans of this pretty tv artiste who might copy her actions without due discernment.

Come on! You producers of tv programmes! Spare a thought for the well-being of your stakeholders, the viewers! Look beyond giving doing what's popular. The intention may be good in wanting to promote healthy lifestyles, but do take the trouble to get suitably trained and qualified people to do the demonstration.

Let the pretty face grace the programme and lend appeal, or maybe, even lend credibility with her slender body, but leave the demonstation in qualified hands!



(3) The Ugly :

Yet another case of maid abuse!

This time, the perpetrator is another pretty face, a star-search finalist who got in a cat-fight with a fellow contestant and who was later sacked by SBC in 1992 on disciplinary issues, but who seemed to have remained unrepentant. She had the audacity to boast to the journalist in an interview of her having emerged the winner from the brawl with her employer, and lament about her being typecast in flippant roles!

If the maid-abuse accusations brought up against her in court prove true, I hope she’ll spend some time to take a lesson on being “quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger”.


Mmmm… I should take a lesson too! I am reminded to do likewise :
Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.


I had better shut up now and keep my thoughts to myself!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

He says...She says...I say....

Quotes of the Day

“Even if you are disabled, you should make sure you use 100% of what you've got left.” – David Lim, Former Everest Expedition Leader, Mountaineer


“What can I achieve now?”
– Jamie Andrew, Scottish Climber who has no hands or feet


“Sports is a necessary component of all-round character-building”

– Patricia Chan, Singapore’s former Golden Girl of Swimming


A Reminder to myself :


" Celebrate Success, Learn from Failure."
" Aim to succeed but be ready to accept failure."
–Mimi Cheong –


God, help me and my loved ones, especially my children, to learn to be resilient. Enhance and strengthen our ability to bounce back whenever we face set-backs in life. Teach us to be prepared to take on failure.

Help us to plan for success, to be steadfast in executing our plans, to celebrate success when it comes, but also be ready, when faced with it, to accept failure. Help us to be courageous to face up to failure and to be humble enough to learn from it.

Give us a humble spirit. Help us to be modest always. Don't ever let success go to our heads. Also, don't let failure sneak up on us to take us by surprise. Help us to be willing and prepared to accept failure. Help us to always be ready for it, to be prepared to face even life's worst-case scenario.

May you always be the first we turn to, and the only one we rely on when we have to lock horns with Failure.

Help us not be wise in our own eyes, but in all our ways, to acknowledge you, and to trust in you always.

Enable us to give thanks in all circumstances -even at the lowest points of our lives; and when all is well and rosy, help us not forget you but to acknowledge you, and be thankful.

That THING called...

PAIN

Today, I read a write-up about Pain Management in Mind Your Body, a weekly health companion from The Straits Times.

Oh, how well I can identify with what's been said about pain and its management!

Pain is
“not a straight line…it is plastic, it can expand.” – Dr Bernard Lee, Director/Chronic Pain and Interventional Pain Management Services/TTSH
<*Jumping with elation!* Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! How true! How very true! Only those who have experienced excruciating pain can understand how true this statement is!>

how the brain perceives it


both in the body as well as in the mind



The concept of Pain Memory
“The memory of pain stays on, even when the thing that caused it has healed.”
-Dr Bernard Lee/TTSH
<*smile of recognition, nod, nod* Yep, that’s what happened to me – I can’t quite forget the pain I suffered as a result of my right knee operation last year. The phantom of that bout of pain haunted me when I did my left knee this June. Its memory robbed me of the confidence which I needed. Somehow I couldn’t readily believe that my recovered right leg is strong enough to carry me while I recuperate from my left knee operation. My confidence is so undermined that I find it hard to bounce back after my left knee surgery. Inwardly, I remain weak and defeated after the surgery, even though outwardly I keep up a brave front.>


Chronic Pain
~is that which continues a month or more beyond the usual recovery period for an injury or illness. It can go on for months or years and can interfere with daily life at all levels.
<*giggle, wink, wink* Can there be such a thing as chronic heartache or chronic emotional pain? I’ve this pain that won’t go away! It hurts my heart and my soul. I’ve tried letting it go, but it keeps coming back to eat me up inside! In this case, the injury is not a physical one, but an emotional one…it’s a case of feeling hurt and the injury inflicted was not intentional nor was it the consequence of deliberate confrontation. Could it be how the brain –or the mind- perceives it?>



Pain Management
~undoing the memory of pain through a change in behaviour. This process is called Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and it is supported by physiotherapy

~Cognitive Behaviour Therapy cannot cure pain, but it helps one to reclaim one’s life from the reign of pain


The Reign of Pain
~in which pain begins to control the person’s life, limiting his contact with others and making him isolated and depressed.

<*jumping with excitement! smile of recognition, nod nod nod*

I've been through that! I termed it my journey down in the Valley of Despondency.

I likened it to crawling through a dark tunnel.

I described it as my wanting to get into my cave and I described myself as becoming reclusive.

My nights were wrecked by Pain. My days were ruined by Pain's control, causing me to want to limit my contact with others, clouding my thoughts, making me prefer self-isolation, plunging me into depression.

Yes, I've gone down that dreadful alley!

Pain, you reign no more!
I am reclaiming my life.


Coping Strategies

~Get to the functional stage by
*preventing further degeneration of functions when muscles become deconditioned and limbs freeze with lack of activity


* set goals and stick to goals to get to the functional stage

*stretching exercises

*relaxation techniques
- delight myself in the Lord
- meditate on God's word
- claim God's promises
- count my blessings
- give thanks always
- hand over anxieties by prayer and supplication
- rest in the LORD
- lean on the Everlasting Arms
- fill my mind with things that are good and that deserve praise:
things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable


~ Eavesdrop on my own self-talk
* cut out negative self-talk

* give myself positive pep-talks

* Remember : Pain may always be there, but suffering is optional.



~ Look at family relationships and communication. Seek to restore that which
has been strained by the repetitive and constant assaults of pain.




Venusians and Martians
~“Women feel pain more than men” so says British researchers at the University of Bath.

~ Factors at play : genetic differences, hormonal differences, social factors, psychological factors

~ Most women tend to focus on the emotional aspects of pain while men focus on the sensory aspects
< *bulb lights up in the mind!*


BLINK! AHA! SO that's why it makes sense to the “Martian” to say, “It's really mind over matter! Don't focus on the (sensations of your) pain!” while the one who was said to have hailed from Venus griped: “I felt angry, so very angry, with that person for denying the intensity of my feeling in my pain!”

The “Martian” focuses on the sensory aspects of pain while the “Venusian” focuses on the emotional aspects.

The former talks about not allowing one's mind to dwell on the sensory aspect of the pain, while the latter was talking about her feelings being denied, and about the hurt she feels from having her pain seemingly minimized!

Indeed, pain is how the mind perceives it!>


TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) and Pain
~ shares Western medicine's view that pain is a symptom, not a disease.

~ treats the source of pain and the individual who is in pain, rather than treat the
pain itself

~ treatment includes accupunture, tuina, moxibustion and promoting a healthy
lifestyle

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Least Expected

When I fell on the stairs on Sunday, my first concern was to check if my operated knee was harmed in any way. It did not occur to me to check anywhere else for injuries.

Yesterday, I found, least expectedly, that I had suffered a sprain in my left wrist from that fall.

Towards late afternoon yesterday, I began to feel a sore feeling around my left wrist. By about 9pm, that sore feeling was replaced by a mild throbbing naggy kind of pain. It was mild initially. So mild was the pain that I had hardly noticed it.

By 12.25am, when all was still and silent, the pain was beginning to make its presence felt. Without distractions from the day-to-day happenings taking place around me, the pain became more keenly felt.

I thank God for granting me sleep despite the pain. I was able to sleep undisturbed through the next few hours.

When I was later roused from my sleep by howling winds and the pitter patter of raindrops, I woke my husband to shut the windows - those in the dining room - which we had neglected to shut before we retired to bed. The heavy downpour, accompanied by an impressive display of white dazzling lights in the sky and by great thunder drum-rolls, chased sleep away. Both my husband and I began to toss and turn, making futile efforts at getting the most out of what remains of the night's sleep.

Before long, the alarm clock screamed its lungs out and obediently, my husband got out of bed. With my left leg immobile, I heaved myself up to a sitting position using my hands to prop me up. It was then that a sharp pain shot from my left wrist up towards my left elbow. Instinctively, my right hand reached for the left wrist to find out what had caused the sharp pain. It was met by a tender lump of swollen flesh, particularly tender and sore to the touch near the outer wrist bone.

My left wrist was swollen!

I grabbed my trusty jar of "chou chou" cream from the nightstand's drawer. Dr Liew's wonder cream to the rescue! (My son calls the 'Feitian' cream 'chou chou' cream because he finds the smell disagreeable).I started massaging my left wrist with the white cream. The cool ointment soothed and did its work on the wrist. Silenced, the throbbing pain lay low for a while. Tucking my wrist under the quilt, I went back to sleep.

When awakened later, the swelling had subsided and much of the pain had gone away. It's still a little sore and tender, especially if I tried to flex or rotate my wrist. I find it difficult to use my walking frame and my crutches. I guess I'll have to depend solely on the wheelchair for a day or two.

Mmm...not being able to use the walking frame without pain, taking a shower and using the toilet will be difficult in the next one or two days.

But I'll get by...with God's unfailing help, I'm confident He'll help me get by. He has never failed me before. I am sure He is here to see me through this!

Father, thank you for providing me with the Feitian cream. In the first place, thank you for leading me to Dr Liew. Through him, you have granted me healing: first it was my 30-year-old ankle injury, then through him, you fixed my shoulder and back problem to a great extent, and helped me reduce the strain upon my knees by having him help me trim my hips down by two pant-sizes! My having met Dr Liew was indeed divine appointment!

So was my getting to know Reginae and then later, Prof Hui.

Divine appointment! How awesome you are! How wondrous are your mighty deeds!

You are a wondrous God, always working on our behalf. You never withhold good from those you love! And how you love this world!
You love this world so much so that you gave your only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not die but have eternal life. Open the eyes of our hearts to perceive your wondrous love for us!

Monday, July 25, 2005

Faith is Not the Absence Of Fear




Faith is the willingess to follow where God leads regardless of how we feel.

Back to KP, finally!

Today, after months, I was finally able to go to KP to worship again!

I'm so full of thanksgiving!

I'm thankful that when I set off from home in the morning, despite the wheelchair-access way being blocked by my neighbour's car -yes,he's done it AGAIN!-, I was able to squeeze past in my wheelchair.

How did I manage that?

Well, on Saturday night, the Lord caused my husband to park his car in the lot next to the 'Reserved-for-Disabled' lot. On Sunday morning, after my husband left for work, his vacated lot provided additional space for me to wheel past my neighbour's car in the reserved lot.

While wheeling past my neighbour's Hyundai Sonata, my wheelchair got really close to it, but thankfully,with the lot next to it being still vacant (after my husband vacated from that lot, no other car came along to occupy it), there was ample space for me to manoeuvre my wheelchair past without any incident.

Smoothly and quickly, I was able to wheel past this obstacle onto the service road, and then past the polyclinic and onto the main road. By God's grace, and with His help, neither my wheelchair nor my neighbour's car was scratched.


Then, at KP, I managed to get into/out of the E2 hall without any difficulties. Everyone was so helpful, so full of loving concern, so warm and caring.


When we got home, I fell while getting down the stairs.
Thankfully, I wasn't hurt or injured...I think. This should be confirmed when I go for my medical review on 28 July.
I am most thankful that I didn't tumble down the stairs when I fell.
I thank God for having preserved me from harm or injury.


In the evening, Mum came. She had bought me some herbal and fish essence. She didn't know that I had taken a fall on the stairs in the afternoon. I dared not tell her, for fear that it would cause her worries and anxieties. We had a wonderful time together, watching ET on TV.

Then, Paul came along and passed me two bottles of Korean Ginseng given me by Claire.

It warms my heart to know that everyone around me is supportive and is cheering me on, each telling me in their own unique way (verbal as well as via actions) to not succumb to depression brought on by my temporal disability and immobility.

I am thankful for all the friends, brothers and sisters, and loved ones who have been so patient with me, and have remained so warm, caring, so full of loving concern, and so kind towards me.

Most of all, I'm thankful to God for having seen me through today. In fact, not just today. He sees me through each and every day. And for that, I'm most thankful to Him. My God is an awesome God!

Friday, July 22, 2005

Job Done! Fantastic Feeling!


Two weeks back, when I had finished setting the Term 3 test questions and had them submitted for vetting, I heaved a great sigh of relief. Then I "craned my neck" to look forward to today.

Today? Why today?

Well, today is the day which, since January, I've been looking forward to.

Today, I completed setting the exam questions for this final semester.

Job done!
What a feeling! I feel fantastic!

I'm thankful that it is only my legs that have gone into 'hibernation'.
I sure am glad that my mind is still active and creative!

Let's Move On!

It's been almost a week...I still feel the same...I'd still say the same...


Forgive and Move On

Bringing up my older child, I've made several mistakes in some of the ways which I had used to discipline her.Now, she expects me to use the same disciplinary measures to deal with her younger brother.


How could I? Now that I have realised that I have been wrong in the use of those disciplinary measures, how could I still persist in my old ways?


It may seem unfair.
I may appear to be applying double-standards. But I am not.


I do not discipline the boy in the same manner simply because I now know better. I have learned from my past mistakes and I am making an effort to change.
I am learning to do things in other ways.


Do I carry on in my wrong-doings just so that I can measure out the same to both?

Should I not seek to stop and make a u-turn when I realise now that I've been going down the wrong path?

If I were to persist in my old ways and push on relentlessly, all in the name of "fairness" - just so to be able to say that I have meted out the same treatment to the both of them - would that be the right thing to do? Would it summon respect from her, or him, or from me towards myself? What's right? What's not?


I'm not trying to be defensive or to find excuses for myself, but it is a fact that when I was a first-time mother, I was young (I was only in my mid-twenties!), and inexperienced - inexperienced in life as well as in being a mother. I still am (in terms of experience,that is), in many ways. With only two children, I can only gather experience from mothering the two of them. I can't hold a candle to mothers who have had 3, 4, 5 or more children.


Even my own mother who has had 6 children, now admits that, on hindsight, she wished she had done certain things in other (and perhaps better?) ways. Which mother would dare say she has never made any mistakes in her role as a mother? Which mother would dare claim to be the ideal mother?


When my first child came along, I became somebody's mother for the very first time in my life. As with all first-time experience, I found myself often times having to fumble and stumble along as best as I could. I was learning on the job. There was no point of reference. Nothing from past experience could serve to guide me in my decision-making. I was often times unsure if what I was doing would turn out right. Given the circumstances which I found ourselves in, I could only take each step in good faith, guided by my conscience, my God-given wisdom and discernment, my God-given authority as a parent, my love for my child, and my parental instinct to care for, love, protect, guide, nurture, discipline, and provide for my child, as best as I could.


When the second child came along, while certain routines were familiar, it was nonetheless NOT ANY EASIER. Each child is unique and has to be handled uniquely and differently. Methods learnt had to be modified to suit this second child's temperament, character and personality. Mistakes made the first time round had to be corrected. Erroneous ways had to be thrown out. New ways have to be tried out.


In other words, there are new things to learn. It is very much like a first-time all over again. I am unsure again. Having to try out new ways, I am on unfamiliar grounds again. I am learning on the job, yet again. There is, again, no warranty to assure me that this way will be better than the previous.Like before, I find myself having to depend on my good old faith, conscience, God-given wisdom and discernment, my God-given authority as a parent, my love for my child, and my parental instinct to care for, love, protect, guide, nurture, discipline, and provide for this second child, as best as I could, as much as I could in being fair to my older child, fair to both my children.


I can only be the best mother as far as I could manage, doing as best as I could, as much as I knew how. I am constantly trying to be better at it, to be more effective (and efficient) and to learn as much as I could to become the best that I could possibly be. But, obviously I still have much to learn and a long way to go!


I am first and foremost a mother to my children. Then I am also their friend. As a mother, I have no qualms about apologising to my children when I have done wrong. When I know I am wrong, I am not too proud to admit my mistakes and to apologise to them. That, in my opinion, should not, and does not, give my children the right to demand an apology from me when they disagree with my parenting methods. I believe that we should never, not under any circumstances, ever tell our parents, "I demand that you apologise to me!"


Sigh.

I can't turn back the clock or to start all over again. I can't go back in time and have a fresh start to do it any other way. I live with some regrets. The way I've done certain things cannot be changed. Things I have done cannot be undone. I can only wish I had done things in another way, but I can't pretend I've never said or done those things which I had. I can't make the past vanish. We can't deny or ignore the past. It has to be accepted as something that has become a part of our lives - difficult as that may be - and forgiven.


Much in the same way as I have, on more occasions than once in the course of the past 19 years, had to forgive and let go of much hurt that came from having spiteful words and disrespectful taunting remarks flung at me in my face.


Can we afford to harbour malice or nurse a grudge in our hearts and let fury fester and grow in the deep recesses of our hearts and minds? Of course not!

So, we let go of the hurts, forgive and move on.
We can only seek to do better when given the chance. But we will have to keep on giving one another the chance, over and over again.

That, I think, is the first step towards loving one another unconditionally. To remain open. To continually give and remain willing to receive. To give, not only as good as you get, but whether or not you get in return.

To not shut the other person out of your life by withdrawing into yourself. To not say, "I give up (on you/on this family/on hoping for things to become better/etc)"

I am what I am. I cannot be what I am not. I will not mimic anyone else.

There must be particular reasons why each of us are placed in our particular families and not in others'. It is my belief that given who and what we are, individually and collectively, we, and the dynamics of family interaction, become a catalyst best suited for bringing out the potential in one another.

We all have our own lessons to learn. We contribute to one another's growth and development. We ought to seek to bring out the best in one another.



Mmmm....Talk about expectations! Managing expectations is one of the hardest things to do. Me managing my expectations of my children and they managing theirs of me, AND me helping them to manage their expectations of themselves, and of their sibling....lest they get too harsh with one another or with themselves, and hurt themselves.

It hurts me when I see them hurting themselves, or hurting one another.
Whoever it was who said this: "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words could never hurt me!" - He lied!


Hurtful words can break a person and tear a family apart.

Negative self-talk can wear a person down.


I will keep on trying to be the best mother I could be to the particular set of children given me. They've got to take me as I am. I can come no other way.Just like I have got to accept them for who they are and what they are becoming.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

We turn 40!

We are One People, One Nation. But the spectrum is so great! This nation of people come from backgrounds that span a spectrum as great as GREAT can be!

We have Mr X who counts himself lucky because, unlike Mr Y who earns only $600 a month, he takes home $900 a month. Then, we also have Mr Z who thinks nothing of spending the entire amount that is equal to Mr X's one month salary on a tap. And all this time, in one silent corner of Singapore, at a void deck somewhere, we have a pair of siblings - lets name them Mr A and Miss B - who have no income and have been living in a blackened home, using candlelight and twigs for firewood to get by....much to the chagrin and annoyance of their neighbour Mrs C who is afraid that should AB's flat catch fire, the flames would spread and destroy other homes and make all of them - A, B, C and X, Y, Z - homeless.

I still remember our PM's speech made when he was sworn in as PM. That speech touched my heart. I really hope Singapore would be an inclusive society where each and every individual counts and is accepted as an important part of the whole - regardless of race, language, religion, creed, physical ability or disability, regardless of financial ability or the lack of it, regardless of social standing or the families or circumstances we were born into, regardless of the jobs we have or are not having.

Obstacle Relay in Singapore

I am a newbie at using the wheelchair. I am still learning to wheel myself around as best as I could manage – my arm muscles are not very strong yet . I find it extremely difficult to push myself up steep slopes, and I feel nervous when I have to wheel myself down any slopes. Nonetheless I cherish my independence and I still try to go about my daily life as independently as possible.

Since June, I have found myself much confined to my home, daring to venture out only when absolutely necessary – such as when I have to keep medical appointments, or when I need to go to the atm to get cash. At such times, my family members are not always available to come along with me to help me with my wheelchair. Then I find myself having to stick out my chin and grin, and steel my resolve to overcome all kinds of obstacles if I wish to still remain sane upon arriving home.

Listed below are some of the obstacles I have had to face :

I face great difficulties with HDB lifts when I am on my own.

-> At the lift lobby, to enter the lift, I have to wheel myself up a slope. To do that, I need both hands to manoeuvre the wheels, but while my hands are busy wheeling myself up the slope and towards the open doors, they can’t be used to press the buttons on the wall to keep the doors open. Most of the time, before I could manage to wheel myself up the slope and into the lifts, the doors start closing on me!

->When I finally succeed in getting into the lifts, there is no space for me to turn my chair around to face the doors – not even when I am the only one in the lift. Hence, when the lifts get to the ground floor, and the doors open, I have to wheel myself out backwards. That means I have to wheel down another slope outside the lift, but this time doing so backwards, hoping that I would not collide into anyone or worse still, lose control of my wheelchair and crash into the drain at the edge of the lift lobby.

I get stranded in the void deck / car park because of blocked access way.
-> When I need to get from the void deck to the car park (and vice versa), there is only one access way for my wheelchair. This access way connects the void deck of my block to a car park lot which is reserved for Disabled Motorists. My able-bodied neighbours, unfortunately, think nothing of parking their cars in that reserved lot. When they do that, their cars block the access way and my wheelchair cannot get from void deck to car park or vice versa. I get stranded in the void deck and either have to wait for the parked car to move out, or to give up and go home. It is worse when I am stranded in the car park. I am so close to home and yet I can’t get home.
->When the access way is blocked, I try to enter the building or get to the lift lobby and/or void deck via alternative pathways, but I find myself obstructed by kerbs everywhere. Every which way I turn, I find kerbs, kerbs, kerbs, and more kerbs! There are kerbs everywhere! This problem with kerbs is not just confined to the HDB estate. It is the same everywhere in Singapore.

->When I move around in public-access areas, there are stairs everywhere!

->When I try to look for a ramp or a slope which I could use to wheel myself into a building, I find ramps or slopes with steep and unsafe incline. They are incredibly steep and unsafe to use. It is as if those ramps were not built for wheelchairs, but rather were meant for trolleys used in loading and unloading goods.

->When I cross roads at Pedestrian Crossings, I have to dodge some inconsiderate and impatient fellow-citizens who cut into the path of my wheelchair.

Parents who do not restrain their children and allow them to run ahead and sometimes right into the path of my wheelchair, causing me to jerk to a stop before my wheelchair crash into them, openly show their annoyance at me for “endangering” their kids!

I find myself not only having to worry about getting across the road before the flickering green man turns red on the lights, but also having to deal with hostility from impatient able-bodied fellow citizens.

->At Pedestrian Crossings and Zebra Crossings, to get from the road onto the pavement, there is always a bump where the road meets the pavement.

This bump is present because the pavement’s level is slightly higher than that of the road. The level of the pavement and the road is hardly ever made to meet smoothly. I have to wheel myself up and over this bump. If not careful, my wheels hit the bump and they get caught momentarily. The wheelchair then jolts to a stop. This sudden jolt could cause any unwary wheelchair-user to be thrown forward, or even catapulted out of the seat and onto the ground.

If this were to happen when the traffic lights turn to give right of way to motorists, the wheelchair user may not be able to get off the road fast enough to be out of harm’s way.


->Taxi stand queues never accommodate people in wheelchair. The space between railings at taxi stands is never wide enough for wheelchairs to go through. How am I supposed to join the queue to wait for a taxi? I can't abandon my wheelchair in order to get in line.


->When I am at payment counters trying to make payment for my purchases at departmental stores, the cashiers behind their high counters cannot see me and seated in my wheelchair, I cannot reach up to the counters to set my purchase items down so as to free my hands to take out my money. In some stores, they have these chains or ropes to indicate where you are supposed to queue to pay. It is almost always too narrow for me to go through in my wheelchair. When I wait at the side, the cashiers ignore me or they chide me saying, “Please join the queue!” We have a long way to go before we can see a gracious society!


->Then there are those public toilets in shopping centers where they have not forgotten to designate cubicles for wheelchair users, but have somehow overlooked the fact that their toilets can only be reached by climbing a flight of steps. Why can't they locate the toilets in a more accessible place? If I was out alone, with no one to help me with my wheelchair, I wouldn't be able to climb stairs, not even if there were ONLY three or four steps leading to the public toilet's entrance.


->Last but not least, the greatest obstacle, of course, is my financial ability. How long can I sustain my ability to travel by taxi all the time? Yeah, yeah, yeah, there is now the MRT trains, but they are only wheelchair-user-friendly at certain stations, and getting to the MRT stations in itself presents enough obstacles and challenges! I can't hop onto a feeder-service bus to take me to the nearest MRT station, you know?!

WHO are our town planners? Who is responsible for planning, designing and building our towns and estates, who is responsible for building our roads? Who has a say in approving the designs for our buildings? Who is responsible for teaching and training our architects?

I say, “Put these people in wheelchairs and have them live their lives, visit friends living in HDB estates (if they have any friends living in HDB estates?!) and get them to move around Singapore independently , going about on public transport, for a fortnight or two. Let them experience what life is like for wheelchair users. Then, maybe their “CQ” (what I call “Compassion Quotient”) will be awakened and/or increased.”

Till then, I shall continue to live bravely and keep optimistic – after all, our Prime Minister did promise that ours will be an inclusive society where the able-bodied and the disabled will equally have a rightful place on this island which we call Home. That, would be the Singapore I want!

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Forgive and Move On

Bringing up my older child, I've made several mistakes in some of the ways which I had used to discipline her.

Now, she expects me to use the same disciplinary measures to deal with her younger brother. How could I? Now that I have realised that I have been wrong in the use of those disciplinary measures, how could I still persist in my old ways?

It may seem unfair.
I may appear to be applying double-standards. But I am not.

I do not discipline the boy in the same manner simply because I now know better. I have learned from my past mistakes and I am making an effort to change. I am learning to do things in other ways.

Do I carry on in my wrong-doings just so that I can measure out the same to both?

Should I not seek to stop and make a u-turn when I realise now that I've been going down the wrong path?

If I were to persist in my old ways and push on relentlessly, all in the name of "fairness" - just so to be able to say that I have meted out the same treatment to the both of them - would that be the right thing to do? Would it summon respect from her, or him, or from me towards myself? What's right? What's not?

I'm not trying to be defensive or to find excuses for myself, but it is a fact that when I was a first-time mother, I was young (I was only in my mid-twenties!), and inexperienced - inexperienced in life as well as in being a mother. I still am (in terms of experience,that is), in many ways. With only two children, I can only gather experience from mothering the two of them. I can't hold a candle to mothers who have had 3, 4, 5 or more children.

Even my own mother who has had 6 children, now admits that, on hindsight, she wished she had done certain things in other (and perhaps better?) ways. Which mother would dare say she has never made any mistakes in her role as a mother? Which mother would dare claim to be the ideal mother?

When my first child came along, I became somebody's mother for the very first time in my life. As with all first-time experience, I found myself often times having to fumble and stumble along as best as I could. I was learning on the job. There was no point of reference. Nothing from past experience could serve to guide me in my decision-making. I was often times unsure if what I was doing would turn out right. Given the circumstances which I found ourselves in, I could only take each step in good faith, guided by my conscience, my God-given wisdom and discernment, my God-given authority as a parent, my love for my child, and my parental instinct to care for, love, protect, guide, nurture, discipline, and provide for my child, as best as I could.

When the second child came along, while certain routines were familiar, it was nonetheless NOT ANY EASIER. Each child is unique and has to be handled uniquely and differently. Methods learnt had to be modified to suit this second child's temperament, character and personality. Mistakes made the first time round had to be corrected. Erroneous ways had to be thrown out. New ways have to be tried out.

In other words, there are new things to learn. It is very much like a first-time all over again. I am unsure again. Having to try out new ways, I am on unfamiliar grounds again. I am learning on the job, yet again. There is, again, no warranty to assure me that this way will be better than the previous.

Like before, I find myself having to depend on my good old faith, conscience, God-given wisdom and discernment, my God-given authority as a parent, my love for my child, and my parental instinct to care for, love, protect, guide, nurture, discipline, and provide for this second child, as best as I could, as much as I could in being fair to my older child, fair to both my children.

I can only be the best mother as far as I could manage, doing as best as I could, as much as I knew how. I am constantly trying to be better at it, to be more effective (and efficient) and to learn as much as I could to become the best that I could possibly be. But, obviously I still have much to learn and a long way to go!

I am first and foremost a mother to my children. Then I am also their friend. As a mother, I have no qualms about apologising to my children when I have done wrong. When I know I am wrong, I am not too proud to admit my mistakes and to apologise to them. That, in my opinion, should not, and does not, give my children the right to demand an apology from me when they disagree with my parenting methods. I believe that we should never, not under any circumstances, ever tell our parents, "I demand that you apologise to me!"



Sigh.
I can't turn back the clock or to start all over again. I can't go back in time and have a fresh start to do it any other way. I live with some regrets. The way I've done certain things cannot be changed. Things I have done cannot be undone. I can only wish I had done things in another way, but I can't pretend I've never said or done those things which I had. I can't make the past vanish. We can't deny or ignore the past. It has to be accepted as something that has become a part of our lives - difficult as that may be - and forgiven.

Much in the same way as I have, on more occasions than once in the course of the past 19 years, had to forgive and let go of much hurt that came from having spiteful words and disrespectful taunting remarks flung at me in my face.

Can we afford to harbour malice or nurse a grudge in our hearts and let fury fester and grow in the deep recesses of our hearts and minds? Of course not! So, we let go of the hurts, forgive and move on.

We can only seek to do better when given the chance. But we will have to keep on giving one another the chance, over and over again. That, I think, is the first step towards loving one another unconditionally. To remain open. To continually give and remain willing to receive. To give, not only as good as you get, but whether or not you get in return. To not shut the other person out of your life by withdrawing into yourself. To not say, "I give up (on you/on this family/on hoping for things to become better/etc)"

I am what I am. I cannot be what I am not. I will not try to be somebody else.

There must be particular reasons why each of us are placed in our particular families and not in others'. It is my belief that, given who and what we are, individually and collectively, we are best suited for bringing out the potential in one another. We all have our own lessons to learn. We contribute to one another's growth and development. We ought to seek to bring out the best in one another.


Mmmm....
Talk about expectations!


Managing expectations is one of the hardest thing to do. Me managing my expectations of my children and they managing their expectations of me, AND me helping them to manage their expectations of themselves....lest they push themselves too hard and hurt themselves.


I will keep on trying to be the best mother I could be to the particular set of children given me. They've got to take me as I am. I can come no other way.
Just like I have got to accept them for who they are and what they are becoming.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

One Feeble Step

Father, take me as I am. I can come no other way.
Just as I am, I come.

My sins, O God, are not hidden from you: you know how foolish I have been. Don't let me bring shame on those who trust in you, Sovereign LORD Almighty! Don't let me bring disgrace to those who worship you.

Create a pure heart in me, O God, and put a new and loyal spirit in me.

Thank you for the mind of Christ.

Lord Jesus, help me to fill my mind with those things that are good and that deserve praise : things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable. Help me put into practice what you've taught me and given me, both from your word and from watching your life while you walked this earth 2000 years ago. Give me peace. Be with me.

If you would not take away the hurt and the pain, then, give me strength to bear up and to rejoice in you.

Yes, I will do as you challenge me : I will not only thank you for your abiding presence and love, I will not only thank you for the strength which you give in order for me to face the hurt, but I will thank you FOR the hurt and the pain.

Thank you for allowing the hurt and the pain to enter (and remain in) my life.
I believe and proclaim that you know exactly why it is necessary, you know what you are doing, and you are fully in control, absolutely in charge! I believe you are infallible and your wisdom is infinite. Hence, I know I need not try to squirm out of what you have ordained for me.

You know the larger picture, you have the full picture.
I trust you.

Help me to put my hope in you, to remain at peace and joyful. Teach me to rejoice and be thankful - NOT IN SPITE OF THE HURT, but to rejoice and be thankful FOR THE HURT.
Humanly speaking, this sounds foolish and impossible. But, in the name of Jesus, and in his resurrection power, I believe it is possible for me TO REJOICE AND BE THANKFUL FOR THE HURT.

You have brought to my mind a few others who have lived my kind of life (and who must have had a taste of what I face daily) for many years now. They remain faithful to you. They do not wallow in self-pity and are not focussing on their "piteous" state. I will take a lesson from them.

Lord, I turn my eyes upon you. Help me fix my gaze upon you, and you only.
LORD, I look up to you, up to heaven, where you rule.
As a servant depends on his master, as a maid depends on her mistress,
so will (I) keep looking to you, O LORD (my) God,
until you have mercy on us.
Be merciful to us, LORD, be merciful...


It is better to trust in the LORD than to depend on man.
My help will come from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.


If the LORD does not build the house, the work of the builders is useless;
If the LORD does not protect the city,
it is useless for the sentries to stand guard.
It is useless to work so hard for a living,
getting up early and going to bed late.
For the LORD provides for those he loves,
while they are asleep.
Children are a gift from the LORD;
they are a real blessing.

LORD, I have given up my pride and turned away from my arrogance.
I am not concerned with great matters or with subjects too difficult for me.
Instead, I am content and at peace.
As a child lies quietly in its mother's arms,
so my heart is quiet within me.

LORD, you have examined me and you know me.
You know everything I do;
from far away you understand all my thoughts,
You see me, whether I am working or resting;
you know all my actions.
Even before I speak,
you already know what I will say,
You are all round me on every side;
You protect me with your power.
Your knowledge of me is too deep;
it is beyond my understanding.

You created every part of me;
You put me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because you are to be feared;
all you do is strange and wonderful.
I know it with my heart.
When my bones were being formed,
carefully put together in my mother's womb,
when I was growing there in secret,
you knew that I was there -
you saw me before I was born.
The days alloted to me had all been recorded in your book,
before any of them ever began.
O God, how difficult I find your thoughts;
how many of them there are!
If I counted them, they would be more than the grains of sand.


Examine me, O God, and know my mind;
test me, and discover my thoughts.
Find out if there is any evil in me and guide me in the everlasting way.

Remind me each morning of your constant love for I put my trust in you.
My prayers go up to you;
show me the way I should go.

You are my God;
teach me to do your will.

I call to the Lord for help;
I plead with him.
I bring him all my complaints;
I tell him all my torubles.
When I am ready to give up,
he knows what I should do.

LORD, place a guard at my mouth,
a sentry at the door of my lips.
Keep me from wanting to do wrong.

I am like a burning stick saved from the fire...I come back to you. Help me make it my aim to do what is right. Help me to continually love what is right.

Help me do all my work in love.

Yes, Lord. Live out your life and your love through me.
Help me to do all my work in love, whether or not that love is reciprocated.

You have seen me through 19 years. You can, if needs be, and if it is according to the Father's will, you will see me through another 19, and then another 19, and more, if it is necessary to go on. For as long as it is according to the Father's will and as long as you deem necessary.

Only help me...for I am weak.
In Christ, I can be strong.
Remain in me and help me to remain in you, always.

Lord of the pain, thank you.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Selfishness Personified!

Several nights ago, when I felt like I was going insane from being cooped up in the house for so long, I begged my husband to take me out.

"Just take me out, anywhere will do...even if it was just to take a car ride, or to go to the MacDonald's Drive-Through....anywhere, anywhere will do. I just need to get out of this place. I need a change of environment, a breath of fresh air!" I pleaded.

In the end, we went out for a cup of tea and a bowl of noodles. It was really difficult getting around, manoeuvring the wheelchair, trying to find access paths that enabled me to get from the car park to the hawker centre.

kerbs, Kerbs, KERBS, MORE KERBS, MORE AND MORE KERBS, KERBS EVERYWHERE!

THERE WERE KERBS EVERYWHERE! Along the walkway, in the carpark, along five-foot-ways outside shops, in the hawker centre, EVERYWHERE!

When we finally managed to find a slope that was not leading to any kerb, it was too steep for me to wheel myself up. My family members had to push me up. I felt sorry for wheelchair users who travelled alone. No wonder most of them stay home. It's such a challenge to move around in a wheelchair. There are kerbs everywhere!

Our town planners are simply not aware of the needs of wheelchair users. It's either that, or that they simply DO NOT CARE! I hope one day all such people will get a chance to experience the frustration of being in a wheelchair and not be able to move around freely. Then they will start to be more mindful of the needs of wheelchair-users in their planning.

Even slopes that are supposedly built for wheelchair access are not done in the correct incline - they are way too steep. It takes great arm muscle power to move one's wheelchair up such slopes. Needless to say, coming down such slopes presents great hazard. Use them at your own risk. It's not for the fainthearted. Neither is it for those who do not have muscle-power of a body-builder. I shudder to think what risk I would have to face - having more parts of my body fractured or injured - from wheeling my chair down such hazadous slopes. Rolling helplessly down a steep slope in a wheelchair and coming to a crashing halt is not something I count as an adventure! Believe me, it's not something that can be considered fun.


After the tea and the noodles, when we finally passed our obstacle relay course and made our way safely back from the hawker centre to the car, we set off for home. We were looking forward to getting home and into our comfortable bed to have a good night's rest after the strenuous and challenging obstacle course we'd just endured.

When we arrived at our car-park, I got out of the car and into my wheelchair. There were two access paths which led from the carpark to the void deck. To get to one of these access ways, I needed to wheel myself to the carpark lot that is reserved for disabled drivers.

When I got there, I found my neighbour's car parked smack in the middle of that lot. The access way was blocked. With that lot occupied, there was no way my wheelchair could get into the void deck. I tried the other alternative route. To my dismay, that other access opening was also blocked by another car. Everywhere else I tried, I met with kerbs, cars or drains.

I was stranded in the car park!

I sat helplessly in my wheelchair, waiting for my crutches to be fetched.

When my crutches were fetched, we had to search for a space in between two cars which was wide enough for me to hop through. It had to be wide enough so that my crutches would not accidentally hit the bodice of the cars and sound off their burglar alarm!

To hop to the void deck, I had to try to maintain my balance on my one good leg, heave myself up and over a kerb onto a grassy slope and then to inch my way precariously sideways (taking care to avoiding hitting the cars with my crutches), then down that same grassy patch and over another small kerb before I could make my way into the void deck.

Getting over those kerbs, especially that first one that separated the car park from the grassy slope, took me much courage and lots of patience from my husband - for a long time, I was afraid to "lift off" and heave myself up and over the high kerb to land on the grassy slope on the other side of the kerb. I was afraid I might lose my balance upon landing on the grassy slope and fall backwards.

For the longest time, I stood there, hesitating to heave myself up and over the kerb....until my husband finally lost his cool and hissed, "We are not going to spend the entire night here waiting for you to muster enough courage to get over this kerb, are we? Damn! Why can't these inconsiderate drivers leave the Reserved Lot alone and keep it vacant for wheelchair users?!" At that, he shoved the waiting empty wheelchair into a drain on his right, and strutted angrily towards me.

I was afraid he was going to hoist me up and over that darn kerb. No way! I'm too heavy for him to do that! I mustn't allow him to try. Quick as lightning (and I can't imagine how I did it), I heaved and humphed and I found myself over that kerb. I landed on the grass, almost lost my balance because it was wet and slippery, but managed to steady myself sufficiently to start inching my way sidewards towards the concrete path leading to the void deck.

When I finally managed to get back into the wheelchair, and when we got to the lift lobby, I found myself trembling all over, involuntarily, and my arm and shoulder muscles were screaming their protest. I was tired and angry.

More angry, than tired, actually.

Indeed, why can't those inconsiderate able-bodied motorists leave those 'Reserved For Disabled Drivers' carpark lots vacant? Those lots are reserved for the disabled for good, valid reasons! They give access to the void deck. Without these access points, wheelchair users are stranded in the carpark! They also give quick and convenient access to medics rushing patients into waiting ambulances! Motorists who block such access points and carelessly occupy these carpark lots are Selfishness personified! They ought to be taken to task, fined, punished!

Where are the Enforcement Officers?

Since that night, I have decided against going out anywhere....not until I can walk about on my own two feet! I feel sorry for those whose legs are never going to get better, whose feet will never serve them ever again. They'll probably have to remain home-bound and be restricted to the confines of their own homes.

Their needs and rights will continue to be ignored and denied by town-planners. They will continue to suffer at the hands of selfish motorists who think nothing of plonking their cars smack in the middle of lots which are reserved for wheelchair users. They will continue to merely exist on the fringe of our "civil and gracious" society.

Pah! Humbug! All this talk about building a gracious and inclusive society...what the heck are they talking about? Do they even know what they are talking about?!

"WAKE UP YOUR IDEAS!" Like the army guys will say.

Who are those people responsible for planning and building roads and carparks? Who are those people responsible for planning housing estates? Who train our architects? Put all these people and all architectural undergrads in wheelchairs and make them go around on wheelchairs for a week or so. Give them a taste of the bitter pill!

And do it while they're still doing their jobs planning and building towns and roads and housing estates, not when they're retired and helpless in a wheelchair. It'll be too late then, even if they were to have their epiphany moments then.

Winds of Change

Slowly, ever so slowly, but steadily, I am beginning to feel better.

The pain is easing off a little.

The mood is getting slightly lighter.

My life is increasingly becoming a little brighter.

There are good days, and bad.

Nonetheless, I am thankful that there are good days. Not like before, when everyday seemed to be nothing but a bad day.

I'm grateful.
Thank you, God.
You've lifted me out of the miry clay and set my feet upon the Rock.

Help me to stay on the Rock.

I tend to shift my focus and my feet begin to slide off into the miry clay again, and again, and again. How slow to learn I am!

If not for your patience, love, grace, mercy and compassion, I perish.

Learning Chinese

My on-going battle with learning Chinese...a nightmare which I'll probably not awaken from until (by God's grace) sometime between 2014 and 2017!

First, it was my own struggle with learning the language. I can speak the language, I can even read but I just can't write. After much difficulties, I managed to get a B3 in Chinese when I did the 'O' Level exam.

Then, it was my struggle in helping my daughter learn the language. She can speak the language. She can even read some words and simple phrases, but, like me, she just can't write. When she was finally 'done' with learning the language for passing exams, she started enjoying speaking Mandarin with friends. Now she speaks to her friends in Mandarin whenever she feels like it, or whenever the need arises. She gets by. She is clearly understood by her Mandarin speaking friends.

Now comes my struggle with helping my son to learn the language! Motivating him to want to learn the language is the toughest job I have to undertake.

His school teacher is not making it any easier for him, or for me! I must admit that my son's fierce and stubborn refusal to like the subject has made her feel as if she, too, was rejected.

She is fast losing her patience with him. She barks at him and puts him down for his lack of motivation. He retaliates by becoming even more unwilling to try. He hands in shoddy work.

She saw his unwillingness to try as an affront to her efforts and ability in teaching him. She takes offence and picks on him. He resents Chinese lessons in school and does all he can to squirm out of doing his Chinese homework. She gets annoyed when he doesn't hand in his work, scolds him and he protests silently by handing in shoddy work.

Lately, he has even resorted to hiding his homework away, coming home pretending that there is no homework. By the time we discover that he has homework left undone and not handed in, it has accumulated to such a monstrous pile!

Help me! I need PATIENCE!

PATIENCE
for my recovery from my knee op

for my having to 'fire-fight' at home in dealing with all the problems presented to me on this platter from which I can't turn away - why do I feel so alone when I am not?

for myself in dealing with myself in my present depressive reclusive state - why have I become so anti-social? It's so NOT me! What's happened to me?

OH! I need patience....AND wisdom....AND courage to plod on.

God, help me.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Valley of Despondency

Here I am again! On familiar ground.

Like last year, after the op, I find myself in the Valley of Despondency again!

In the past few days, I found myself, once again, tumbling helplessly down into that dreaded valley. I don't wish to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anybody. I just want to sleep. I just want to crawl into my cave and hibernate. I don't feel very sociable. I don't seem to have the energy to do anything, nor do I seem to be interested in anything else besides sleeping. I've been down this way before. I know this place! And I think I know how I got here...

Just like last year, upon discharge from hospital, I found myself struggling and floundering in my attempt to cope at home. Even though my care-giver is doing an excellent job at caring for me, as well as in taking care of all other matters, I still find myself stretched to the limits in trying to deal with all that I have to personally undergo each day.

For a start, settling back home upon my discharge from hospital was quite an unsettling experience. Ergonomically speaking, hospital furniture and equipment had made my life, while at the hospital, quite comfortable and had all my needs met efficiently.

Whilst at hospital, brushing my teeth, going to the toilet, bathing and even dressing independently was quite effortless. Having come home, every single task, even something simple like brushing my teeth after a meal, becomes a bid deal. It really takes so much effort to get by daily. It all adds up and by the end of each day, I feel sapped of all energy!

By the end of a week or so, my nerves are frayed and I feel myself sliding down, lower and lower, slipping fast and furiously into that despondent valley yet once again.

Now at home, confined to my bed, and not being able to move about freely, my body has to acclimatize to an even more sedentary pace than my usual 'already-very-laid-back-and-unruffled' pace. In my present state, I think even the Sloth has a definite edge over me. Confined to the bed and my bedroom, I can't do very much - at least not as much as I would be inclined to.

Mentally and emotionally, this can be torturous! For example, the other night, while the rest of the family was watching cable tv in the living room, I wanted so much to be with them and to have a share in the fun and laughter, but I simply couldn't.

Well, they did offer to give the tv programme a miss and to stay with me in the bedroom to keep me company, but I turned down their offer because I felt bad about it. It would not be fair to them if they had to, on my account, give the programme a miss simply because I was lonely for their company. It would be too selfish of me to agree to that.

Why couldn't I join them in the living room? Well, it's for the simple fact that I can't remain seated upright for too long before my leg starts to hurt. After every 20 minutes or so of sitting upright, I need to stretch out my leg on the bed and to lie down again.

I miss the freedom, the spontaneity and the ability to instantaneoulsy translate my thoughts into action. The likes of the following scenario have been played out daily in painfully torturous regularity : "Ah! I would like to write a 'thank you' card to So-and-So...but ARGH....the cards, envelopes and stamps are in the study room!" or "Oh! It's starting to rain...I've got to shut the windows...ARGH....I can't get out of bed! Even if I do manage to hop there with the help of my walking frame, I can't keep my balance long and well enough on one leg to lean out to grasp the handle and pull the casement window inwards. I can't risk a fall! OH! Let it rain! Let it flood! I can't do anything except wait till my care-giver returns from the market."

You may ask, "Why didn't you think of having the windows shut before letting your care-giver leave the house to do the grocery-shopping?"

Well, you think about it yourself. If you were me, would you not rather take a risk and have them left open to let in some fresh air and sunlight since the bedroom will the only place you would find yourself stuck in the whole day long? Who's to know that the bright sunshiny day would turn grey so suddenly and so unpredictably soon?

Like last year, my body has to, once again, get used to the fact that it has only one good leg to get me moving from bed to the bathroom and back. My mind has to be alert at all times : Keep that left foot off the floor! Any lapse in memory is promptly punished with a sharp excruciating pain that shoots up from the foot to the hip! How I dread those unavoidable trips to the bathroom!

Bathing has also become a major project! I need 5 minutes to wrap my leg in a plastic bag, 3 minutes or more to hop to the bathroom, 2 minutes or so to get undressed, another 2 minutes or so to manoeuvre and hop carefully into the shower area and another 2 to have myself seated safely and comfortably on a stool under the shower head. After the shower, I take an even longer time to get dry, dressed and out of the bathroom, having to be even more careful since the floor has become wet and slippery in the shower area.

It's really no joke to have to hoist myself up and over that curb between the bathroom and the bedroom, taking care not to hit the left leg against the curb, the floor or the doorframe, and being mindful that I must not flex that knee beyond 30 degrees.

For someone like me who has not been particulary muscular or whose muscles are not exactly in the prime of their fitness level, having to heave myself from bed to wheelchair and back makes hard work.

The muscles in my shoulders, my arms and my upper torso have been screaming their protest from having to lift me off the floor with every hop that I make, using that U-shaped walking frame. My good leg is starting to join in the protest. It is starting to complain about being over-taxed!

After last year's experience, I had actually planned to commit to an exercise programme to strengthen those arm and shoulder muscles before I was faced with this year's operation. However, somehow those wise plans were foolishly shelved. Now, I really feel like kicking myself -if I could- for not having followed through with my plans!


All these, so far listed, are still quite bearable! There are yet other "crosses" to bear!

The hardest of all is bearing the pain that strikes every night. Yes, it comes without fail and it is punctual almost to the dot, despite my having taken the pain-killer submissively and faithfully.

Each night, at around 3.00am, excruciating pain strikes!

Like last year, that same kind of pain attacked at around the same time. But unlike last year, the pain this time would not go away at 5.00 or 6.00 am, but would linger on till around 7.00am.

Last year, when I was in pain and could not sleep because of it, I was driven to much frustration, depression and even envy. This time around, I tell myself not to get agitated. I keep reminding myself, "You don't have to go to work tomorrow. You can always catch up on your sleep then. So, don't get all worked up now! Just relax as best as you can, and shift your thoughts away from the pain. Focus on some other thoughts!" And I pray. I pray for myself, for family and loved ones, for friends and for people whom I've read about in the newspapers daily. This way, I find myself coping slightly better in the night than I did last year.

The difficult part comes in the day time.

When I am sleep deprived, I am easily agitated, highly irritable and can become quite dense and zombie-like in my thinking. I find myself becoming inpatient with and easily angered by the antics of my (hyper)active house-bound little boy who is having his school holidays.

I don't like myself when I am sleep-deprived.

I try to catch up on my sleep, but I find it a futile task -catching up on sleep.

When the pain eases off at around 7.00am, I drift off to sleep only to be awakened at around 8.30am by my son and by Glass, my dog, who both want my company and attention. If I were to ignore them and continue to snooze, others would soon join forces with them to drive me out of Snooze Land! If it's not one member of the family coming into my room to get something, it would be another; or it might be some jarring environmental sound that somehow manages to invade and rob me of my peaceful sleep. The worst is when the phone starts ringing.

The phone. That dastardly thing!

Every other morning, my father-in-law would ring me from the coffee shop or from the market at around 8.45am or at around 9.30am. He would ask me the same questions, "What would you like me to buy from the market? Would you like some apples, or kiwi fruit, or pineapples? Would you like me to buy some carrots, corn or some Chye Sim? They're really cheap today. Too cheap to give it a miss and not buy some!"

SIGH! Then I'll have to tell him for the hundredth time, "We still have lots of apples, kiwi fruit and pineapple AND bananas AND oranges AND carrots AND corn AND Chye Sim AND cabbage AND lettuce AND tomatoes...we DON'T need anything from the market. Thank you, anyway."

And in my heart, I'll be pleading with him, "Oh! PLEASE, THERE IS one thing I need : SLEEP! Can you please let me sleep?"

Now, Dad and Mum, don't get me wrong. I am not being ungrateful. I really do appreciate you. I know that offering to buy the groceries for me and my family is your way of demonstrating your love, concern and support but your kind and thoughtful act of love does not meet my need.

I need sleep more than anything else.

If only you would leave me alone and let me sleep, that would be a far more desirable way to demonstrate your love and concern. You see, when I am well-rested and cheerful, I will in turn be a more pleasant, patient, affectionate wife to your son, and mother to your grandchildren!

Then there is also the steady flood of phone calls from friends which I have to deal with.

The phone rings incessantly and it is simply impossible to sleep or stay asleep.

I know my friends are concerned. I know they mean well. I am thankful for having such kind, caring, thoughtful and supportive friends. I cherish them and I am grateful for them.

However, as much as they need to express their love and concern, I need my rest and to catch up on my sleep. And how am I supposed to sleep if I have to keep answering phone calls and repeat myself over and over again dishing out the same information to different callers because individually and at different hours of each day, each of them call me to ask about my hospital experience and about how I am coping at home.

In my desire to remain a good friend, to be civil and polite, and in my anxiety to let them know that I do deeply appreciate their love and concern, I find it hard to reject their calls or refuse to entertain them when they want to visit. But to take all the calls and to receive visitors every other day or so, it robs me of my energy which is already quite depleted by my sleeplessness.

I need SLEEP!

All you friends out there: Thanks for being such a chum and I know you love me! The best way you can love me is to let me sleep. Give me time, give me the personal space, give me the privacy and leave me alone. Boleh?

I know I sound ungrateful, but I'm not.
I may be selfish, I'll have to admit. I'm sorry about that. I truly am.

I acknowledge your dire need to express your concern and your deep desire to give me support in my hour of need, but if I were to give in to worrying about meeting your need, I would become less able to address my own.

I find myself having to be mindful about not hurting your feelings or making you feel rejected by refusing your calls or to have you over to visit. This is making me very stressed out!

I find myself having to dodge your phone calls because I don't know how to say, "I'm sorry, I need to rest and I can't talk. In fact, I don't even feel like talking to anyone. I am in pain and I am only anxious to catch up on my sleep. I don't feel like doing anything else, let alone chit chat on the phone or to play host to visitors." I can't tell you all this. So, each time the phone rings, I feel frustrated and upset. It's really stressing me out!

I wish I had the courage to tell you directly. I know that if only you knew, you would let me off and give me the time, the privacy and personal space. But, I just don't know how to convey my true inner feelings, without running the risk of hurting your feelings and our friendship.

So, hear me, please. Listen with your heart. Hear the words that I find hard to tell you.

I NEED SLEEP. LET ME SLEEP.

One or two of you have been coming at me ever so strongly, telling me vehemently that, in your opinion, I am sleeping too much! That I should not focus on the pain and that I should just snap out of it. "Mind over Matter!" you tell me. "Find something to do," you say, "the day is not made for sleeping, but the night!"you chide.

To you who have been able to sleep at night, you may think I am sleeping too much. You may think it's unhealthy for me to sleep so much in the day. You may think you are doing me a favour by keeping me occupied in the day so that I won't sleep so much. You may imagine that you're doing me a world of good by trying to make me see that, besides sleeping, I need to do something else to keep my mind occupied.

You just don't understand!
If I DON'T sleep in the DAY, and I CAN'T sleep in the NIGHT, I just won't be able to get any sleep at all. And if I don't get enough rest, I don't see how it could do me any good at all!

While you are sleeping at night, I am WIDE AWAKE. I do not count sheep while I am awake. I deal with the pain....EXCRUCIATING PAIN.....something which you may not know unless you have had a similar operation and unless you were me, "in my shoes", so to speak.


So, don't tell me that I am sleeping too much just because I sleep in the day!


Don't tell me anything. Just let me be. Leave me alone. Let me sleep!

Thank you.


Actually, now that I have learned much from personal experience, if and when I next relate to other newly-discharged-patient-friends, I would demonstrate my love and concern by granting them personal space, privacy and time for rest and for healing to take place.

I know I would feel a need to express my concern and support, but I would translate that feeling into actions that are appropriate and which would meet my friend's need in a more pragmatic way - I would stay home, send my sincere get-well-soon wishes via a card or via sms, and give daily support by commiting myself to uphold my needy friend in consistent earnest prayer. Instead of calling to ask if he/she has any prayer request, I'd let the Holy Spirit lead and prompt me.

I thank God for giving me this experience. Having helped me through this, He has given me greater insight and He has enabled me to better understand the needs of someone who might be going through similar situations.


Dear God, my dearest Heavenly Father, my loving Abba Father, you are wise and gracious in giving us your holy spirit to help us and to teach us to pray. You who are omniscient, in your infinite wisdom, you are able to, and you certainly do, lead us in our prayers...and those moments spent in prayer, talking to you, those are indeed some of the sweetest moments of my time spent on earth! How I thank you for granting me the privilege of coming to you in prayer!


I'm thankful that you are not some distant god sitting high and mighty and aloof out there in outer space, watching impassively as we struggle here on earth. No. On the contrary, you are very much involved in our daily affairs, lovingly helping us through and saving us from ourselves and from sin and destruction.

Thank you, Father. You are so much a part of my life. You ARE my very life.

Without you, I perish!

Please grant me patience and strength as you continue to journey with me through this period of time. Grant me healing and full recovery. Help me to be loving, gentle and considerate in the way I relate to all my friends and loved ones. Help me to be patient with myself. Help me to ever trust in you and to obey your leading each and every step of the way.

Lord, keep my good leg healthy, fit and strong so that it will continue to support me well as I hop around on it. Thank you, Father.