At Long Last, A Name To The Problem

Yesterday, while surfing the internet, and trying to read more about cleft lip and cleft palate, I stumbled upon this page where, for some reasons (but don't ask me why cos I don't know...) there was this particular word which seemed to leap from the page to grab my attention.

That word was 'Apraxia'. It just caught my attention and would not let go. An overwhelming sense of curiousity invaded my mind and I felt as if I just HAD TO click on it to read and find out more about it.

So, I clicked on 'Apraxia' and that led me to reading about 'Dyspraxia' and later 'Dyscalculia'.

I was SO EXCITED about what I read : Finally! All the difficulties I've faced in life (from my childhood till now)...all that I've gone through in school and later on, in my working life, especially in the early years of my career, all my struggles were listed and described. I was reading a written profile about ME!

I now firmly believe that I have had all those difficulties at school because I was (and still am) mildly dyspraxic and it is accompanied by this other problem, this 'disorder', known as 'Dyscalculia'.

FINALLY! AT LONG LAST, everything makes sense...

now I know why for a long time I could not grip the pencil properly and write neatly,

why I could not understand my teachers while my classmates didn't seem to have any problem at all,

why I could not cut properly with a pair of scissors,

why I could not handle adhesive tapes (I still have some problem with this, even now!),

why I could not understand what it meant for one to plan one's work. For a long, long time (in my youth), I couldn't understand what others meant when they talked about making plans.

For years, I've had to struggle with the frustration of losing my things several times a day because I simply did not know what it was like to be organized. No matter how hard I tried, I fought a losing battle with trying to be organized, neat and tidy.

Well into my late teens, I could never conceptualize how much a metre or a kilometre was, or how different it was to add another zero behind 1000. For years, I thought 5.0 was different from 5.00 or 5.000. I couldn't figure out why 0.5 was different from 0.05. Neither could I fully understand or appreciate the actual difference between 1.5 and 5.1. For years, I wasn't able to tell which was greater 1/2 or 2/8...nor could I say why one was greater than the other.

Now I finally realise why it is that I had had to use my fingers to add and subtract even when I was fourteen(OH! How humiliating it was, and I had to do it secretly with my hands hidden in my pockets most of the time...I just could not do it openly! What would others around me think? They'd roll on the floor with laughter if they'd seen me counting with my fingers to do simple addition and subtraction!).

Then there were those torturous moments with mental sums (and I had to grapple with those on a daily basis!) when I couldn't even understand what my friends were doing. I remember wondering why my friends were staring into the air, or seemed busy at writing in their exercise books immediately after my teacher had read aloud a math question to the class.

I kept wondering, "Why isn't the teacher proceeding to explain how we could get the answer to the question she has just posed? Why are my friends writing away? Is my teacher keeping silent because she was annoyed at my friends for writing? Is she waiting for them to pay attention to her before she starts to explain how to do the sums?"

Then, suddenly, when the teacher announced, "Now, Question 2..." I asked myself, "Hey, why is she going on to question number 2 when she hasn't even explained how to do or hasn't dealt with question number 1?"

Then, when the teacher discovered I had not written anything in my book, I got rebuked for not paying attention. "What? Teacher? Why is it that I didn't write down my answer to question number 1? But we haven't even done the working to try to arrive at getting an answer for question 1...what do I write?"

Over time, I learnt that the trick to prevent scolding from the teacher and teasing from friends was to pretend to be busy. I had to look busy, pretending to be hard at work, pretending that I was trying to figure out the answer. I learnt to pretend to think...I pretended to stare into the air (like my friends would), or would mumble to myself as if I was thinking aloud, and then promptly proceeded to writing something in my book; something, anything, so long as I appeared as if I was "thinking" and/or "writing". So long as I was pretending to be thinking, I wouldn't be scolded for not trying, or for not paying attention.

Initially, I tried...I really tried. I didn't give up. I tried to figure out the question...but invariably, before I could understand the question or figure out what it was that I had to do, before I could even try to work out an answer, the teacher would move on to the next question because all my classmates would have, by then, written their answers in their exercise books.

Soon, I felt I was fighting a losing battle. I felt that it was useless to try. I soon grew to believe that no matter how hard I tried, I would never be able to think as quickly as the others! I felt stupid and slow! My mind would just switch off and turn blank whenever my teacher announced that it was time for 'Mental Sums'.

For years, my score for Mental Sums was consistently '0" out of '10'. For years, I did corrections by writing the correct number (ie. the correct answer) in brackets next my 'error' without an inkling of what was going on, or why we were doing mental sums, or for that matter, without knowing what 'mental' meant.

Now I realise...my greatest mistake of that time, the real 'correction' which I needed to do, the problem which truly needed fixing at that time, was actually this : I shouldn't have pretended to know what I was doing.

Instead, I ought to have had the courage to admit that I didn't understand what was going on. I should have asked my teacher, "What is Mental Sums? What am I supposed to do? How do I think and work out the sums in my head? What do you mean by working out the sums in my head?"

But then again, if I were to have asked, would she have thought I was trying to be funny with her, or trying to annoy her? Would I have been punished for asking that kind of questions? Most probably so...maybe that's why I never dared to let others know that I simply didn't understand what was going on. After all, I was a mere 8 or 9 year-old girl at that time!

At the end of the day, and over time, I became a very good actor...I pretended well and convincingly...I fooled everyone all through those years! No one knew that I was clueless about this activity called 'Mental Sums'. At first, I felt awful inside, knowing that it was not right or good for me to go on deceiving others (and myself)...and I just felt so helpless and confused!

Later , however, as I entered my teens, I became more concerned about keeping up with appearances than to bother about guarding against hypocrisy. I stopped worrying about whether it was deceitful to pretend.

By the time I was in my late teens and young adulthood, I had learnt ways and means to help myself cope. I became slightly more adept at counting with the help of 'counting-aids' (my fingers hidden in my pockets) and 'visualisers' (the numbers and markings printed on the clockface).

Of course, by now, I've learned creative ways to memorise numbers. I can manage to (about 99% of the time) remember and recall my home and mobile phone numbers, my apartment unit number, my postal zipcode, and even some phone numbers which I frequently need to dial.

I don't get 'petrified' anymore when people ask me about money...I no longer work myself into a state of panic, not anymore...not even when I'm asked how much change I ought to get or if I've given them the correct change. I simply give them the exact amount as much as it's possible, or I don't even bother to count the change I've received. I no longer bother to check if I've been shortchanged. Life is less stressful this way. I can live with it...even if I've been shortchanged by a few cents.

I will not forget that day when I came home from shopping and my mother-in-law had asked me about the cost of some of the items I had bought, and I could not answer her...because I could not remember. Oh! that day, I had to suffer a two-and-a-half hour lecture/nagging from her because in her opinion, I was not a prudent, thrifty wife. Sigh...such are some of the misunderstandings that I had to take in my stride.

At that time, I was so tempted to tell her, "I'm NOT a spendthrift. I didn't spend mindlessly. I was cautious about not spending beyond my budget. Yes! I DO HAVE A BUDGET that I stick to when I go shopping. Just because I cannot tell you off-hand how much money I had spent on each of the items doesn't mean that I was spending freely and mindlessly...I just can't remember...but look, once I refer to the receipt, I will be able to tell you how much each item cost. Look, I did not overspend. I've kept to my budget! I have money left over. I did not blow all my money on that bag! "

All my life, I had to struggle when it comes to Math and using Math in my daily life.

Now that I know about Dyscalculia...and with a name to my problem and struggles, I finally feel that there is some hope. I feel strengthened and comforted in knowing that THERE ARE real and actual people out there who share my problems. These folks would most probably know and understand the pain and frustration I've been through in my own struggles with Math and with my weak muscle control and weak fine motor skills (especially in my childhood), and with my great struggle at learning to be neat, organized and be able to cope with a world that requires much careful planning and multi-tasking.

I am not alone!

In knowing that I'm not alone, it has given me much comfort and strength.

In fact, I realised, "Hey! I think I've coped pretty well all these years...and have succeeded in overcoming much...ALL ON MY OWN...without any educational pyschologist's guidance (well, yes, God was there for me, I'm sure. And I'm certain He had been the one who 'taught' me all those ways to cope...I couldn't have been SO creative, so resourceful and innovate on my own).

But now that I know...I would like to meet others with similar conditions and would like to seek out support groups with which I can get in touch. How do I get help? Is there help available for adults? In my own country? I don't have the means to go overseas to seek help and support.

Mm...I'll have to wait and see how it is all going to turn out...

Well, God, I asked you to reveal to me things which I had to deal with, and which I had to face up to. And reveal to me you did! You sure did answer my prayer!

First, you revealed to me about my need to forgive and to let go of all those suppressed feelings of anger, bitterness, unforgiveness and resentment towards those who had rejected me in the past.

Next, you revealed to me about my need to let you bring me healing by helping me to face up to all those hurts and pains from all the past struggles I've had in my learning difficulties at school (in my childhood and youth) as well as in my learning to cope with daily life.

None except those who are struggling with Dyscalculia would understand how crippling and painful it can be to be afflicted... to be struggling in a world in which Math is so widely used and so much needed in order for one to function effectively.

And now, you've even caused me to stumble upon this article on Dyspraxia and Dyscalculia. By revealing this to me, you've actually heaped soothing balm onto my wounded self-esteem.

You've helped me accept myself, and given me hope.

In knowing that I'm not alone in my struggles, in seeing that if I could have coped and overcome all those difficulties in the past all by myself (and with your help, of course), then surely, I could face tomorrow confidently too!

Thank you, Lord Jesus, thank you! With you by my side, helping and guiding me, I know I can face tomorrow! Thank you for your promise that you'll never leave me nor will you abandon me! Thank you for the promise of the abiding presence of your Holy Spirit in me to comfort, help, counsel and guide me. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for preserving me all these years! Thank you!

I love you...and I could do so only because you have first loved me!