Forgive and Move On
Bringing up my older child, I've made several mistakes in some of the ways which I had used to discipline her.
Now, she expects me to use the same disciplinary measures to deal with her younger brother. How could I? Now that I have realised that I have been wrong in the use of those disciplinary measures, how could I still persist in my old ways?
It may seem unfair.
I may appear to be applying double-standards. But I am not.
I do not discipline the boy in the same manner simply because I now know better. I have learned from my past mistakes and I am making an effort to change. I am learning to do things in other ways.
Do I carry on in my wrong-doings just so that I can measure out the same to both?
Should I not seek to stop and make a u-turn when I realise now that I've been going down the wrong path?
If I were to persist in my old ways and push on relentlessly, all in the name of "fairness" - just so to be able to say that I have meted out the same treatment to the both of them - would that be the right thing to do? Would it summon respect from her, or him, or from me towards myself? What's right? What's not?
I'm not trying to be defensive or to find excuses for myself, but it is a fact that when I was a first-time mother, I was young (I was only in my mid-twenties!), and inexperienced - inexperienced in life as well as in being a mother. I still am (in terms of experience,that is), in many ways. With only two children, I can only gather experience from mothering the two of them. I can't hold a candle to mothers who have had 3, 4, 5 or more children.
Even my own mother who has had 6 children, now admits that, on hindsight, she wished she had done certain things in other (and perhaps better?) ways. Which mother would dare say she has never made any mistakes in her role as a mother? Which mother would dare claim to be the ideal mother?
When my first child came along, I became somebody's mother for the very first time in my life. As with all first-time experience, I found myself often times having to fumble and stumble along as best as I could. I was learning on the job. There was no point of reference. Nothing from past experience could serve to guide me in my decision-making. I was often times unsure if what I was doing would turn out right. Given the circumstances which I found ourselves in, I could only take each step in good faith, guided by my conscience, my God-given wisdom and discernment, my God-given authority as a parent, my love for my child, and my parental instinct to care for, love, protect, guide, nurture, discipline, and provide for my child, as best as I could.
When the second child came along, while certain routines were familiar, it was nonetheless NOT ANY EASIER. Each child is unique and has to be handled uniquely and differently. Methods learnt had to be modified to suit this second child's temperament, character and personality. Mistakes made the first time round had to be corrected. Erroneous ways had to be thrown out. New ways have to be tried out.
In other words, there are new things to learn. It is very much like a first-time all over again. I am unsure again. Having to try out new ways, I am on unfamiliar grounds again. I am learning on the job, yet again. There is, again, no warranty to assure me that this way will be better than the previous.
Like before, I find myself having to depend on my good old faith, conscience, God-given wisdom and discernment, my God-given authority as a parent, my love for my child, and my parental instinct to care for, love, protect, guide, nurture, discipline, and provide for this second child, as best as I could, as much as I could in being fair to my older child, fair to both my children.
I can only be the best mother as far as I could manage, doing as best as I could, as much as I knew how. I am constantly trying to be better at it, to be more effective (and efficient) and to learn as much as I could to become the best that I could possibly be. But, obviously I still have much to learn and a long way to go!
I am first and foremost a mother to my children. Then I am also their friend. As a mother, I have no qualms about apologising to my children when I have done wrong. When I know I am wrong, I am not too proud to admit my mistakes and to apologise to them. That, in my opinion, should not, and does not, give my children the right to demand an apology from me when they disagree with my parenting methods. I believe that we should never, not under any circumstances, ever tell our parents, "I demand that you apologise to me!"
Sigh.
I can't turn back the clock or to start all over again. I can't go back in time and have a fresh start to do it any other way. I live with some regrets. The way I've done certain things cannot be changed. Things I have done cannot be undone. I can only wish I had done things in another way, but I can't pretend I've never said or done those things which I had. I can't make the past vanish. We can't deny or ignore the past. It has to be accepted as something that has become a part of our lives - difficult as that may be - and forgiven.
Much in the same way as I have, on more occasions than once in the course of the past 19 years, had to forgive and let go of much hurt that came from having spiteful words and disrespectful taunting remarks flung at me in my face.
Can we afford to harbour malice or nurse a grudge in our hearts and let fury fester and grow in the deep recesses of our hearts and minds? Of course not! So, we let go of the hurts, forgive and move on.
We can only seek to do better when given the chance. But we will have to keep on giving one another the chance, over and over again. That, I think, is the first step towards loving one another unconditionally. To remain open. To continually give and remain willing to receive. To give, not only as good as you get, but whether or not you get in return. To not shut the other person out of your life by withdrawing into yourself. To not say, "I give up (on you/on this family/on hoping for things to become better/etc)"
I am what I am. I cannot be what I am not. I will not try to be somebody else.
There must be particular reasons why each of us are placed in our particular families and not in others'. It is my belief that, given who and what we are, individually and collectively, we are best suited for bringing out the potential in one another. We all have our own lessons to learn. We contribute to one another's growth and development. We ought to seek to bring out the best in one another.
Mmmm....
Talk about expectations!
Managing expectations is one of the hardest thing to do. Me managing my expectations of my children and they managing their expectations of me, AND me helping them to manage their expectations of themselves....lest they push themselves too hard and hurt themselves.
I will keep on trying to be the best mother I could be to the particular set of children given me. They've got to take me as I am. I can come no other way.
Just like I have got to accept them for who they are and what they are becoming.
Now, she expects me to use the same disciplinary measures to deal with her younger brother. How could I? Now that I have realised that I have been wrong in the use of those disciplinary measures, how could I still persist in my old ways?
It may seem unfair.
I may appear to be applying double-standards. But I am not.
I do not discipline the boy in the same manner simply because I now know better. I have learned from my past mistakes and I am making an effort to change. I am learning to do things in other ways.
Do I carry on in my wrong-doings just so that I can measure out the same to both?
Should I not seek to stop and make a u-turn when I realise now that I've been going down the wrong path?
If I were to persist in my old ways and push on relentlessly, all in the name of "fairness" - just so to be able to say that I have meted out the same treatment to the both of them - would that be the right thing to do? Would it summon respect from her, or him, or from me towards myself? What's right? What's not?
I'm not trying to be defensive or to find excuses for myself, but it is a fact that when I was a first-time mother, I was young (I was only in my mid-twenties!), and inexperienced - inexperienced in life as well as in being a mother. I still am (in terms of experience,that is), in many ways. With only two children, I can only gather experience from mothering the two of them. I can't hold a candle to mothers who have had 3, 4, 5 or more children.
Even my own mother who has had 6 children, now admits that, on hindsight, she wished she had done certain things in other (and perhaps better?) ways. Which mother would dare say she has never made any mistakes in her role as a mother? Which mother would dare claim to be the ideal mother?
When my first child came along, I became somebody's mother for the very first time in my life. As with all first-time experience, I found myself often times having to fumble and stumble along as best as I could. I was learning on the job. There was no point of reference. Nothing from past experience could serve to guide me in my decision-making. I was often times unsure if what I was doing would turn out right. Given the circumstances which I found ourselves in, I could only take each step in good faith, guided by my conscience, my God-given wisdom and discernment, my God-given authority as a parent, my love for my child, and my parental instinct to care for, love, protect, guide, nurture, discipline, and provide for my child, as best as I could.
When the second child came along, while certain routines were familiar, it was nonetheless NOT ANY EASIER. Each child is unique and has to be handled uniquely and differently. Methods learnt had to be modified to suit this second child's temperament, character and personality. Mistakes made the first time round had to be corrected. Erroneous ways had to be thrown out. New ways have to be tried out.
In other words, there are new things to learn. It is very much like a first-time all over again. I am unsure again. Having to try out new ways, I am on unfamiliar grounds again. I am learning on the job, yet again. There is, again, no warranty to assure me that this way will be better than the previous.
Like before, I find myself having to depend on my good old faith, conscience, God-given wisdom and discernment, my God-given authority as a parent, my love for my child, and my parental instinct to care for, love, protect, guide, nurture, discipline, and provide for this second child, as best as I could, as much as I could in being fair to my older child, fair to both my children.
I can only be the best mother as far as I could manage, doing as best as I could, as much as I knew how. I am constantly trying to be better at it, to be more effective (and efficient) and to learn as much as I could to become the best that I could possibly be. But, obviously I still have much to learn and a long way to go!
I am first and foremost a mother to my children. Then I am also their friend. As a mother, I have no qualms about apologising to my children when I have done wrong. When I know I am wrong, I am not too proud to admit my mistakes and to apologise to them. That, in my opinion, should not, and does not, give my children the right to demand an apology from me when they disagree with my parenting methods. I believe that we should never, not under any circumstances, ever tell our parents, "I demand that you apologise to me!"
Sigh.
I can't turn back the clock or to start all over again. I can't go back in time and have a fresh start to do it any other way. I live with some regrets. The way I've done certain things cannot be changed. Things I have done cannot be undone. I can only wish I had done things in another way, but I can't pretend I've never said or done those things which I had. I can't make the past vanish. We can't deny or ignore the past. It has to be accepted as something that has become a part of our lives - difficult as that may be - and forgiven.
Much in the same way as I have, on more occasions than once in the course of the past 19 years, had to forgive and let go of much hurt that came from having spiteful words and disrespectful taunting remarks flung at me in my face.
Can we afford to harbour malice or nurse a grudge in our hearts and let fury fester and grow in the deep recesses of our hearts and minds? Of course not! So, we let go of the hurts, forgive and move on.
We can only seek to do better when given the chance. But we will have to keep on giving one another the chance, over and over again. That, I think, is the first step towards loving one another unconditionally. To remain open. To continually give and remain willing to receive. To give, not only as good as you get, but whether or not you get in return. To not shut the other person out of your life by withdrawing into yourself. To not say, "I give up (on you/on this family/on hoping for things to become better/etc)"
I am what I am. I cannot be what I am not. I will not try to be somebody else.
There must be particular reasons why each of us are placed in our particular families and not in others'. It is my belief that, given who and what we are, individually and collectively, we are best suited for bringing out the potential in one another. We all have our own lessons to learn. We contribute to one another's growth and development. We ought to seek to bring out the best in one another.
Mmmm....
Talk about expectations!
Managing expectations is one of the hardest thing to do. Me managing my expectations of my children and they managing their expectations of me, AND me helping them to manage their expectations of themselves....lest they push themselves too hard and hurt themselves.
I will keep on trying to be the best mother I could be to the particular set of children given me. They've got to take me as I am. I can come no other way.
Just like I have got to accept them for who they are and what they are becoming.
posted by Me at 7/17/2005 06:44:00 PM
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