The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Three things which gripped my attention today:

(1) The Good :

Three cheers to Soon Sze Meng for writing that article “Moving Up: Does School System help?” (ST/Insight/Friday Matters/Page 30/July 29 2005)!

Sze Meng has hit the nail on its head!
No one could have said it better, or clearer.

Mentioned in Sze Meng’s article were several issues which, I believe, if left undealt with, might rear their ugly heads to undermine or even warp our meritocratic system.

The points raised in Sze Meng's article addressed several pertinent issues, one of which is about how there appears to be barriers hindering upward social mobility particularly for the majority of the general population. Other issues raised were about our society’s widening income gap, and about how elitism appears to help perpetuate the disparity between socio-economic backgrounds.

Wah! I am so happy!

Finally someone has helped me articulate my very thoughts in writing!
I hope those who are in the position to make a difference, those in policy-making capacity would sit up and listen! And do something about all these issues to contain the widening gap in disparity between the 80-20% of our socio-economic poles.




(2) The Bad :

I was reminded today of something which really irked me: The Potential Harm Inflicted By Pseudo Fitness Gurus!

It really pissed me off - watching one of our local models cum tv celebrities host this tv series which promotes healthy living.

While it is good and generous of her to share her personal tips on how she has managed to keep herself skinny, but thankfully, still healthy, I do not think it is a good idea to have her demonstrate exercise routines and dish out advice as if she were a qualified fitness guru. Is she truly qualified to do so?

Qualified personal trainers would tell you that one should't clasp one's hands behind one's head while doing abdominal crunches as this might cause injury. The proper way would be to cup one's hands over the ears and stay relaxed, breathing normally while doing the crunches.

From that particular episode I watched, the said tv artiste clasped her hands behind her head while she did abdominal crunches using a big exercise ball to support her legs. At the end of a series of exercise routines using various contraptions, she was rendered breathless and panting even as she struggled to deliver her script. Was she truly fit from doing all those exercise routines? Did she do them right? Why was she so breathless? I wish I could have qualified body trainers enlighten me in this regard.

I also hope that the tv producer would exercise greater caution and responsibility - while it may boost viewership ratings to have this pretty and popular tv celebrity demonstrate the exercise routines, it may not be the proper thing to do, as it may cause sports injury to unwary viewers, especially vulnerable are the young fans of this pretty tv artiste who might copy her actions without due discernment.

Come on! You producers of tv programmes! Spare a thought for the well-being of your stakeholders, the viewers! Look beyond giving doing what's popular. The intention may be good in wanting to promote healthy lifestyles, but do take the trouble to get suitably trained and qualified people to do the demonstration.

Let the pretty face grace the programme and lend appeal, or maybe, even lend credibility with her slender body, but leave the demonstation in qualified hands!



(3) The Ugly :

Yet another case of maid abuse!

This time, the perpetrator is another pretty face, a star-search finalist who got in a cat-fight with a fellow contestant and who was later sacked by SBC in 1992 on disciplinary issues, but who seemed to have remained unrepentant. She had the audacity to boast to the journalist in an interview of her having emerged the winner from the brawl with her employer, and lament about her being typecast in flippant roles!

If the maid-abuse accusations brought up against her in court prove true, I hope she’ll spend some time to take a lesson on being “quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger”.


Mmmm… I should take a lesson too! I am reminded to do likewise :
Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.

I had better shut up now and keep my thoughts to myself!

He says...She says...I say....

Quotes of the Day

“Even if you are disabled, you should make sure you use 100% of what you've got left.” – David Lim, Former Everest Expedition Leader, Mountaineer


“What can I achieve now?” – Jamie Andrew, Scottish Climber who has no hands or feet


“Sports is a necessary component of all-round character-building”
– Patricia Chan, Singapore’s former Golden Girl of Swimming

A Reminder to myself :

" Celebrate Success, Learn from Failure."
" Aim to succeed but be ready to accept failure."
–Mimi Cheong –


God, help me and my loved ones, especially my children, to learn to be resilient. Enhance and strengthen our ability to bounce back whenever we face set-backs in life. Teach us to be prepared to take on failure.

Help us to plan for success, to be steadfast in executing our plans, to celebrate success when it comes, but also be ready, when faced with it, to accept failure. Help us to be courageous to face up to failure and to be humble enough to learn from it.

Give us a humble spirit. Help us to be modest always. Don't ever let success go to our heads. Also, don't let failure sneak up on us to take us by surprise. Help us to be willing and prepared to accept failure. Help us to always be ready for it, to be prepared to face even life's worst-case scenario.

May you always be the first we turn to, and the only one we rely on when we have to lock horns with Failure.

Help us not be wise in our own eyes, but in all our ways, to acknowledge you, and to trust in you always.

Enable us to give thanks in all circumstances -even at the lowest points of our lives; and when all is well and rosy, help us not forget you but to acknowledge you, and be thankful.

That THING called...

PAIN

Today, I read a write-up about Pain Management in Mind Your Body, a weekly health companion from The Straits Times.

Oh, how well I can identify with what's been said about pain and its management!

Pain is
“not a straight line…it is plastic, it can expand.” – Dr Bernard Lee, Director/Chronic Pain and Interventional Pain Management Services/TTSH
<*Jumping with elation!* Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! How true! How very true! Only those who have experienced excruciating pain can understand how true this statement is!>

how the brain perceives it


both in the body as well as in the mind



The concept of Pain Memory
“The memory of pain stays on, even when the thing that caused it has healed.” -Dr Bernard Lee/TTSH
<*smile of recognition, nod, nod* Yep, that’s what happened to me – I can’t quite forget the pain I suffered as a result of my right knee operation last year. The phantom of that bout of pain haunted me when I did my left knee this June. Its memory robbed me of the confidence which I needed. Somehow I couldn’t readily believe that my recovered right leg is strong enough to carry me while I recuperate from my left knee operation. My confidence is so undermined that I find it hard to bounce back after my left knee surgery. Inwardly, I remain weak and defeated after the surgery, even though outwardly I keep up a brave front.>


Chronic Pain
~is that which continues a month or more beyond the usual recovery period for an injury or illness. It can go on for months or years and can interfere with daily life at all levels.
<*giggle, wink, wink* Can there be such a thing as chronic heartache or chronic emotional pain? I’ve this pain that won’t go away! It hurts my heart and my soul. I’ve tried letting it go, but it keeps coming back to eat me up inside! In this case, the injury is not a physical one, but an emotional one…it’s a case of feeling hurt and the injury inflicted was not intentional nor was it the consequence of deliberate confrontation. Could it be how the brain –or the mind- perceives it?>



Pain Management
~undoing the memory of pain through a change in behaviour. This process is called Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and it is supported by physiotherapy

~Cognitive Behaviour Therapy cannot cure pain, but it helps one to reclaim one’s life from the reign of pain


The Reign of Pain
~in which pain begins to control the person’s life, limiting his contact with others and making him isolated and depressed.

<*jumping with excitement! smile of recognition, nod nod nod*

I've been through that! I termed it my journey down in the Valley of Despondency.

I likened it to crawling through a dark tunnel.

I described it as my wanting to get into my cave and I described myself as becoming reclusive.

My nights were wrecked by Pain. My days were ruined by Pain's control, causing me to want to limit my contact with others, clouding my thoughts, making me prefer self-isolation, plunging me into depression.

Yes, I've gone down that dreadful alley!

Pain, you reign no more!
I am reclaiming my life.


Coping Strategies

~Get to the functional stage by
*preventing further degeneration of functions when muscles become deconditioned and limbs freeze with lack of activity

* set goals and stick to goals to get to the functional stage

*stretching exercises

*relaxation techniques
- delight myself in the Lord
- meditate on God's word
- claim God's promises
- count my blessings
- give thanks always
- hand over anxieties by prayer and supplication
- rest in the LORD
- lean on the Everlasting Arms
- fill my mind with things that are good and that deserve praise:
things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable


~ Eavesdrop on my own self-talk
* cut out negative self-talk

* give myself positive pep-talks

* Remember : Pain may always be there, but suffering is optional.



~ Look at family relationships and communication. Seek to restore that which
has been strained by the repetitive and constant assaults of pain.




Venusians and Martians
~“Women feel pain more than men” so says British researchers at the University of Bath.

~ Factors at play : genetic differences, hormonal differences, social factors, psychological factors

~ Most women tend to focus on the emotional aspects of pain while men focus on the sensory aspects
< *bulb lights up in the mind!*

BLINK! AHA! SO that's why it makes sense to the “Martian” to say, “It's really mind over matter! Don't focus on the (sensations of your) pain!” while the one who was said to have hailed from Venus griped: “I felt angry, so very angry, with that person for denying the intensity of my feeling in my pain!”

The “Martian” focuses on the sensory aspects of pain while the “Venusian” focuses on the emotional aspects.

The former talks about not allowing one's mind to dwell on the sensory aspect of the pain, while the latter was talking about her feelings being denied, and about the hurt she feels from having her pain seemingly minimized!

Indeed, pain is how the mind perceives it!>


TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) and Pain
~ shares Western medicine's view that pain is a symptom, not a disease.

~ treats the source of pain and the individual who is in pain, rather than treat the
pain itself

~ treatment includes accupunture, tuina, moxibustion and promoting a healthy
lifestyle

Least Expected

When I fell on the stairs on Sunday, my first concern was to check if my operated knee was harmed in any way. It did not occur to me to check anywhere else for injuries.

Yesterday, I found, least expectedly, that I had suffered a sprain in my left wrist from that fall.

Towards late afternoon yesterday, I began to feel a sore feeling around my left wrist. By about 9pm, that sore feeling was replaced by a mild throbbing naggy kind of pain. It was mild initially. So mild was the pain that I had hardly noticed it.

By 12.25am, when all was still and silent, the pain was beginning to make its presence felt. Without distractions from the day-to-day happenings taking place around me, the pain became more keenly felt.

I thank God for granting me sleep despite the pain. I was able to sleep undisturbed through the next few hours.

When I was later roused from my sleep by howling winds and the pitter patter of raindrops, I woke my husband to shut the windows - those in the dining room - which we had neglected to shut before we retired to bed. The heavy downpour, accompanied by an impressive display of white dazzling lights in the sky and by great thunder drum-rolls, chased sleep away. Both my husband and I began to toss and turn, making futile efforts at getting the most out of what remains of the night's sleep.

Before long, the alarm clock screamed its lungs out and obediently, my husband got out of bed. With my left leg immobile, I heaved myself up to a sitting position using my hands to prop me up. It was then that a sharp pain shot from my left wrist up towards my left elbow. Instinctively, my right hand reached for the left wrist to find out what had caused the sharp pain. It was met by a tender lump of swollen flesh, particularly tender and sore to the touch near the outer wrist bone.

My left wrist was swollen!

I grabbed my trusty jar of "chou chou" cream from the nightstand's drawer. Dr Liew's wonder cream to the rescue! (My son calls the 'Feitian' cream 'chou chou' cream because he finds the smell disagreeable).I started massaging my left wrist with the white cream. The cool ointment soothed and did its work on the wrist. Silenced, the throbbing pain lay low for a while. Tucking my wrist under the quilt, I went back to sleep.

When awakened later, the swelling had subsided and much of the pain had gone away. It's still a little sore and tender, especially if I tried to flex or rotate my wrist. I find it difficult to use my walking frame and my crutches. I guess I'll have to depend solely on the wheelchair for a day or two.

Mmm...not being able to use the walking frame without pain, taking a shower and using the toilet will be difficult in the next one or two days.

But I'll get by...with God's unfailing help, I'm confident He'll help me get by. He has never failed me before. I am sure He is here to see me through this!

Father, thank you for providing me with the Feitian cream. In the first place, thank you for leading me to Dr Liew. Through him, you have granted me healing: first it was my 30-year-old ankle injury, then through him, you fixed my shoulder and back problem to a great extent, and helped me reduce the strain upon my knees by having him help me trim my hips down by two pant-sizes! My having met Dr Liew was indeed divine appointment!

So was my getting to know Reginae and then later, Prof Hui.

Divine appointment! How awesome you are! How wondrous are your mighty deeds!

You are a wondrous God, always working on our behalf. You never withhold good from those you love! And how you love this world!
You love this world so much so that you gave your only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not die but have eternal life. Open the eyes of our hearts to perceive your wondrous love for us!

Faith is Not the Absence Of Fear

Faith is the willingess to follow where God leads regardless of how we feel.

Back to KP, finally!

Today, after months, I was finally able to go to KP to worship again!

I'm so full of thanksgiving!

I'm thankful that when I set off from home in the morning, despite the wheelchair-access way being blocked by my neighbour's car -yes,he's done it AGAIN!-, I was able to squeeze past in my wheelchair.

How did I manage that?

Well, on Saturday night, the Lord caused my husband to park his car in the lot next to the 'Reserved-for-Disabled' lot. On Sunday morning, after my husband left for work, his vacated lot provided additional space for me to wheel past my neighbour's car in the reserved lot.

While wheeling past my neighbour's Hyundai Sonata, my wheelchair got really close to it, but thankfully,with the lot next to it being still vacant (after my husband vacated from that lot, no other car came along to occupy it), there was ample space for me to manoeuvre my wheelchair past without any incident.

Smoothly and quickly, I was able to wheel past this obstacle onto the service road, and then past the polyclinic and onto the main road. By God's grace, and with His help, neither my wheelchair nor my neighbour's car was scratched.


Then, at KP, I managed to get into/out of the E2 hall without any difficulties. Everyone was so helpful, so full of loving concern, so warm and caring.


When we got home, I fell while getting down the stairs.
Thankfully, I wasn't hurt or injured...I think. This should be confirmed when I go for my medical review on 28 July.
I am most thankful that I didn't tumble down the stairs when I fell.
I thank God for having preserved me from harm or injury.


In the evening, Mum came. She had bought me some herbal and fish essence. She didn't know that I had taken a fall on the stairs in the afternoon. I dared not tell her, for fear that it would cause her worries and anxieties. We had a wonderful time together, watching ET on TV.

Then, Paul came along and passed me two bottles of Korean Ginseng given me by Claire.

It warms my heart to know that everyone around me is supportive and is cheering me on, each telling me in their own unique way (verbal as well as via actions) to not succumb to depression brought on by my temporal disability and immobility.

I am thankful for all the friends, brothers and sisters, and loved ones who have been so patient with me, and have remained so warm, caring, so full of loving concern, and so kind towards me.

Most of all, I'm thankful to God for having seen me through today. In fact, not just today. He sees me through each and every day. And for that, I'm most thankful to Him. My God is an awesome God!

Job Done! Fantastic Feeling!

Two weeks back, when I had finished setting the Term 3 test questions and had them submitted for vetting, I heaved a great sigh of relief. Then I "craned my neck" to look forward to today.

Today? Why today?

Well, today is the day which, since January, I've been looking forward to.

Today, I completed setting the exam questions for this final semester.

Job done!
What a feeling! I feel fantastic!

I'm thankful that it is only my legs that have gone into 'hibernation'.
I sure am glad that my mind is still active and creative!

Let's Move On!

It's been almost a week...I still feel the same...I'd still say the same...


Forgive and Move On

Bringing up my older child, I've made several mistakes in some of the ways which I had used to discipline her.Now, she expects me to use the same disciplinary measures to deal with her younger brother.


How could I? Now that I have realised that I have been wrong in the use of those disciplinary measures, how could I still persist in my old ways?


It may seem unfair.
I may appear to be applying double-standards. But I am not.


I do not discipline the boy in the same manner simply because I now know better. I have learned from my past mistakes and I am making an effort to change.
I am learning to do things in other ways.


Do I carry on in my wrong-doings just so that I can measure out the same to both?

Should I not seek to stop and make a u-turn when I realise now that I've been going down the wrong path?

If I were to persist in my old ways and push on relentlessly, all in the name of "fairness" - just so to be able to say that I have meted out the same treatment to the both of them - would that be the right thing to do? Would it summon respect from her, or him, or from me towards myself? What's right? What's not?


I'm not trying to be defensive or to find excuses for myself, but it is a fact that when I was a first-time mother, I was young (I was only in my mid-twenties!), and inexperienced - inexperienced in life as well as in being a mother. I still am (in terms of experience,that is), in many ways. With only two children, I can only gather experience from mothering the two of them. I can't hold a candle to mothers who have had 3, 4, 5 or more children.


Even my own mother who has had 6 children, now admits that, on hindsight, she wished she had done certain things in other (and perhaps better?) ways. Which mother would dare say she has never made any mistakes in her role as a mother? Which mother would dare claim to be the ideal mother?


When my first child came along, I became somebody's mother for the very first time in my life. As with all first-time experience, I found myself often times having to fumble and stumble along as best as I could. I was learning on the job. There was no point of reference. Nothing from past experience could serve to guide me in my decision-making. I was often times unsure if what I was doing would turn out right. Given the circumstances which I found ourselves in, I could only take each step in good faith, guided by my conscience, my God-given wisdom and discernment, my God-given authority as a parent, my love for my child, and my parental instinct to care for, love, protect, guide, nurture, discipline, and provide for my child, as best as I could.


When the second child came along, while certain routines were familiar, it was nonetheless NOT ANY EASIER. Each child is unique and has to be handled uniquely and differently. Methods learnt had to be modified to suit this second child's temperament, character and personality. Mistakes made the first time round had to be corrected. Erroneous ways had to be thrown out. New ways have to be tried out.


In other words, there are new things to learn. It is very much like a first-time all over again. I am unsure again. Having to try out new ways, I am on unfamiliar grounds again. I am learning on the job, yet again. There is, again, no warranty to assure me that this way will be better than the previous.Like before, I find myself having to depend on my good old faith, conscience, God-given wisdom and discernment, my God-given authority as a parent, my love for my child, and my parental instinct to care for, love, protect, guide, nurture, discipline, and provide for this second child, as best as I could, as much as I could in being fair to my older child, fair to both my children.


I can only be the best mother as far as I could manage, doing as best as I could, as much as I knew how. I am constantly trying to be better at it, to be more effective (and efficient) and to learn as much as I could to become the best that I could possibly be. But, obviously I still have much to learn and a long way to go!


I am first and foremost a mother to my children. Then I am also their friend. As a mother, I have no qualms about apologising to my children when I have done wrong. When I know I am wrong, I am not too proud to admit my mistakes and to apologise to them. That, in my opinion, should not, and does not, give my children the right to demand an apology from me when they disagree with my parenting methods. I believe that we should never, not under any circumstances, ever tell our parents, "I demand that you apologise to me!"


Sigh.

I can't turn back the clock or to start all over again. I can't go back in time and have a fresh start to do it any other way. I live with some regrets. The way I've done certain things cannot be changed. Things I have done cannot be undone. I can only wish I had done things in another way, but I can't pretend I've never said or done those things which I had. I can't make the past vanish. We can't deny or ignore the past. It has to be accepted as something that has become a part of our lives - difficult as that may be - and forgiven.


Much in the same way as I have, on more occasions than once in the course of the past 19 years, had to forgive and let go of much hurt that came from having spiteful words and disrespectful taunting remarks flung at me in my face.


Can we afford to harbour malice or nurse a grudge in our hearts and let fury fester and grow in the deep recesses of our hearts and minds? Of course not!

So, we let go of the hurts, forgive and move on.
We can only seek to do better when given the chance. But we will have to keep on giving one another the chance, over and over again.

That, I think, is the first step towards loving one another unconditionally. To remain open. To continually give and remain willing to receive. To give, not only as good as you get, but whether or not you get in return.

To not shut the other person out of your life by withdrawing into yourself. To not say, "I give up (on you/on this family/on hoping for things to become better/etc)"

I am what I am. I cannot be what I am not. I will not mimic anyone else.

There must be particular reasons why each of us are placed in our particular families and not in others'. It is my belief that given who and what we are, individually and collectively, we, and the dynamics of family interaction, become a catalyst best suited for bringing out the potential in one another.

We all have our own lessons to learn. We contribute to one another's growth and development. We ought to seek to bring out the best in one another.



Mmmm....Talk about expectations! Managing expectations is one of the hardest things to do. Me managing my expectations of my children and they managing theirs of me, AND me helping them to manage their expectations of themselves, and of their sibling....lest they get too harsh with one another or with themselves, and hurt themselves.

It hurts me when I see them hurting themselves, or hurting one another.
Whoever it was who said this: "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words could never hurt me!" - He lied!


Hurtful words can break a person and tear a family apart.

Negative self-talk can wear a person down.


I will keep on trying to be the best mother I could be to the particular set of children given me. They've got to take me as I am. I can come no other way.Just like I have got to accept them for who they are and what they are becoming.

We turn 40!

We are One People, One Nation. But the spectrum is so great! This nation of people come from backgrounds that span a spectrum as great as GREAT can be!

We have Mr X who counts himself lucky because, unlike Mr Y who earns only $600 a month, he takes home $900 a month. Then, we also have Mr Z who thinks nothing of spending the entire amount that is equal to Mr X's one month salary on a tap. And all this time, in one silent corner of Singapore, at a void deck somewhere, we have a pair of siblings - lets name them Mr A and Miss B - who have no income and have been living in a blackened home, using candlelight and twigs for firewood to get by....much to the chagrin and annoyance of their neighbour Mrs C who is afraid that should AB's flat catch fire, the flames would spread and destroy other homes and make all of them - A, B, C and X, Y, Z - homeless.

I still remember our PM's speech made when he was sworn in as PM. That speech touched my heart. I really hope Singapore would be an inclusive society where each and every individual counts and is accepted as an important part of the whole - regardless of race, language, religion, creed, physical ability or disability, regardless of financial ability or the lack of it, regardless of social standing or the families or circumstances we were born into, regardless of the jobs we have or are not having.

Obstacle Relay in Singapore

I am a newbie at using the wheelchair. I am still learning to wheel myself around as best as I could manage – my arm muscles are not very strong yet . I find it extremely difficult to push myself up steep slopes, and I feel nervous when I have to wheel myself down any slopes. Nonetheless I cherish my independence and I still try to go about my daily life as independently as possible.

Since June, I have found myself much confined to my home, daring to venture out only when absolutely necessary – such as when I have to keep medical appointments, or when I need to go to the atm to get cash. At such times, my family members are not always available to come along with me to help me with my wheelchair. Then I find myself having to stick out my chin and grin, and steel my resolve to overcome all kinds of obstacles if I wish to still remain sane upon arriving home.

Listed below are some of the obstacles I have had to face :

I face great difficulties with HDB lifts when I am on my own.

-> At the lift lobby, to enter the lift, I have to wheel myself up a slope. To do that, I need both hands to manoeuvre the wheels, but while my hands are busy wheeling myself up the slope and towards the open doors, they can’t be used to press the buttons on the wall to keep the doors open. Most of the time, before I could manage to wheel myself up the slope and into the lifts, the doors start closing on me!

->When I finally succeed in getting into the lifts, there is no space for me to turn my chair around to face the doors – not even when I am the only one in the lift. Hence, when the lifts get to the ground floor, and the doors open, I have to wheel myself out backwards. That means I have to wheel down another slope outside the lift, but this time doing so backwards, hoping that I would not collide into anyone or worse still, lose control of my wheelchair and crash into the drain at the edge of the lift lobby.

I get stranded in the void deck / car park because of blocked access way.
-> When I need to get from the void deck to the car park (and vice versa), there is only one access way for my wheelchair. This access way connects the void deck of my block to a car park lot which is reserved for Disabled Motorists. My able-bodied neighbours, unfortunately, think nothing of parking their cars in that reserved lot. When they do that, their cars block the access way and my wheelchair cannot get from void deck to car park or vice versa. I get stranded in the void deck and either have to wait for the parked car to move out, or to give up and go home. It is worse when I am stranded in the car park. I am so close to home and yet I can’t get home.
->When the access way is blocked, I try to enter the building or get to the lift lobby and/or void deck via alternative pathways, but I find myself obstructed by kerbs everywhere. Every which way I turn, I find kerbs, kerbs, kerbs, and more kerbs! There are kerbs everywhere! This problem with kerbs is not just confined to the HDB estate. It is the same everywhere in Singapore.

->When I move around in public-access areas, there are stairs everywhere!

->When I try to look for a ramp or a slope which I could use to wheel myself into a building, I find ramps or slopes with steep and unsafe incline. They are incredibly steep and unsafe to use. It is as if those ramps were not built for wheelchairs, but rather were meant for trolleys used in loading and unloading goods.

->When I cross roads at Pedestrian Crossings, I have to dodge some inconsiderate and impatient fellow-citizens who cut into the path of my wheelchair.

Parents who do not restrain their children and allow them to run ahead and sometimes right into the path of my wheelchair, causing me to jerk to a stop before my wheelchair crash into them, openly show their annoyance at me for “endangering” their kids!

I find myself not only having to worry about getting across the road before the flickering green man turns red on the lights, but also having to deal with hostility from impatient able-bodied fellow citizens.

->At Pedestrian Crossings and Zebra Crossings, to get from the road onto the pavement, there is always a bump where the road meets the pavement.

This bump is present because the pavement’s level is slightly higher than that of the road. The level of the pavement and the road is hardly ever made to meet smoothly. I have to wheel myself up and over this bump. If not careful, my wheels hit the bump and they get caught momentarily. The wheelchair then jolts to a stop. This sudden jolt could cause any unwary wheelchair-user to be thrown forward, or even catapulted out of the seat and onto the ground.

If this were to happen when the traffic lights turn to give right of way to motorists, the wheelchair user may not be able to get off the road fast enough to be out of harm’s way.


->Taxi stand queues never accommodate people in wheelchair. The space between railings at taxi stands is never wide enough for wheelchairs to go through. How am I supposed to join the queue to wait for a taxi? I can't abandon my wheelchair in order to get in line.


->When I am at payment counters trying to make payment for my purchases at departmental stores, the cashiers behind their high counters cannot see me and seated in my wheelchair, I cannot reach up to the counters to set my purchase items down so as to free my hands to take out my money. In some stores, they have these chains or ropes to indicate where you are supposed to queue to pay. It is almost always too narrow for me to go through in my wheelchair. When I wait at the side, the cashiers ignore me or they chide me saying, “Please join the queue!” We have a long way to go before we can see a gracious society!


->Then there are those public toilets in shopping centers where they have not forgotten to designate cubicles for wheelchair users, but have somehow overlooked the fact that their toilets can only be reached by climbing a flight of steps. Why can't they locate the toilets in a more accessible place? If I was out alone, with no one to help me with my wheelchair, I wouldn't be able to climb stairs, not even if there were ONLY three or four steps leading to the public toilet's entrance.


->Last but not least, the greatest obstacle, of course, is my financial ability. How long can I sustain my ability to travel by taxi all the time? Yeah, yeah, yeah, there is now the MRT trains, but they are only wheelchair-user-friendly at certain stations, and getting to the MRT stations in itself presents enough obstacles and challenges! I can't hop onto a feeder-service bus to take me to the nearest MRT station, you know?!

WHO are our town planners? Who is responsible for planning, designing and building our towns and estates, who is responsible for building our roads? Who has a say in approving the designs for our buildings? Who is responsible for teaching and training our architects?

I say, “Put these people in wheelchairs and have them live their lives, visit friends living in HDB estates (if they have any friends living in HDB estates?!) and get them to move around Singapore independently , going about on public transport, for a fortnight or two. Let them experience what life is like for wheelchair users. Then, maybe their “CQ” (what I call “Compassion Quotient”) will be awakened and/or increased.”

Till then, I shall continue to live bravely and keep optimistic – after all, our Prime Minister did promise that ours will be an inclusive society where the able-bodied and the disabled will equally have a rightful place on this island which we call Home. That, would be the Singapore I want!

Forgive and Move On

Bringing up my older child, I've made several mistakes in some of the ways which I had used to discipline her.

Now, she expects me to use the same disciplinary measures to deal with her younger brother. How could I? Now that I have realised that I have been wrong in the use of those disciplinary measures, how could I still persist in my old ways?

It may seem unfair.
I may appear to be applying double-standards. But I am not.

I do not discipline the boy in the same manner simply because I now know better. I have learned from my past mistakes and I am making an effort to change. I am learning to do things in other ways.

Do I carry on in my wrong-doings just so that I can measure out the same to both?

Should I not seek to stop and make a u-turn when I realise now that I've been going down the wrong path?

If I were to persist in my old ways and push on relentlessly, all in the name of "fairness" - just so to be able to say that I have meted out the same treatment to the both of them - would that be the right thing to do? Would it summon respect from her, or him, or from me towards myself? What's right? What's not?

I'm not trying to be defensive or to find excuses for myself, but it is a fact that when I was a first-time mother, I was young (I was only in my mid-twenties!), and inexperienced - inexperienced in life as well as in being a mother. I still am (in terms of experience,that is), in many ways. With only two children, I can only gather experience from mothering the two of them. I can't hold a candle to mothers who have had 3, 4, 5 or more children.

Even my own mother who has had 6 children, now admits that, on hindsight, she wished she had done certain things in other (and perhaps better?) ways. Which mother would dare say she has never made any mistakes in her role as a mother? Which mother would dare claim to be the ideal mother?

When my first child came along, I became somebody's mother for the very first time in my life. As with all first-time experience, I found myself often times having to fumble and stumble along as best as I could. I was learning on the job. There was no point of reference. Nothing from past experience could serve to guide me in my decision-making. I was often times unsure if what I was doing would turn out right. Given the circumstances which I found ourselves in, I could only take each step in good faith, guided by my conscience, my God-given wisdom and discernment, my God-given authority as a parent, my love for my child, and my parental instinct to care for, love, protect, guide, nurture, discipline, and provide for my child, as best as I could.

When the second child came along, while certain routines were familiar, it was nonetheless NOT ANY EASIER. Each child is unique and has to be handled uniquely and differently. Methods learnt had to be modified to suit this second child's temperament, character and personality. Mistakes made the first time round had to be corrected. Erroneous ways had to be thrown out. New ways have to be tried out.

In other words, there are new things to learn. It is very much like a first-time all over again. I am unsure again. Having to try out new ways, I am on unfamiliar grounds again. I am learning on the job, yet again. There is, again, no warranty to assure me that this way will be better than the previous.

Like before, I find myself having to depend on my good old faith, conscience, God-given wisdom and discernment, my God-given authority as a parent, my love for my child, and my parental instinct to care for, love, protect, guide, nurture, discipline, and provide for this second child, as best as I could, as much as I could in being fair to my older child, fair to both my children.

I can only be the best mother as far as I could manage, doing as best as I could, as much as I knew how. I am constantly trying to be better at it, to be more effective (and efficient) and to learn as much as I could to become the best that I could possibly be. But, obviously I still have much to learn and a long way to go!

I am first and foremost a mother to my children. Then I am also their friend. As a mother, I have no qualms about apologising to my children when I have done wrong. When I know I am wrong, I am not too proud to admit my mistakes and to apologise to them. That, in my opinion, should not, and does not, give my children the right to demand an apology from me when they disagree with my parenting methods. I believe that we should never, not under any circumstances, ever tell our parents, "I demand that you apologise to me!"



Sigh.
I can't turn back the clock or to start all over again. I can't go back in time and have a fresh start to do it any other way. I live with some regrets. The way I've done certain things cannot be changed. Things I have done cannot be undone. I can only wish I had done things in another way, but I can't pretend I've never said or done those things which I had. I can't make the past vanish. We can't deny or ignore the past. It has to be accepted as something that has become a part of our lives - difficult as that may be - and forgiven.

Much in the same way as I have, on more occasions than once in the course of the past 19 years, had to forgive and let go of much hurt that came from having spiteful words and disrespectful taunting remarks flung at me in my face.

Can we afford to harbour malice or nurse a grudge in our hearts and let fury fester and grow in the deep recesses of our hearts and minds? Of course not! So, we let go of the hurts, forgive and move on.

We can only seek to do better when given the chance. But we will have to keep on giving one another the chance, over and over again. That, I think, is the first step towards loving one another unconditionally. To remain open. To continually give and remain willing to receive. To give, not only as good as you get, but whether or not you get in return. To not shut the other person out of your life by withdrawing into yourself. To not say, "I give up (on you/on this family/on hoping for things to become better/etc)"

I am what I am. I cannot be what I am not. I will not try to be somebody else.

There must be particular reasons why each of us are placed in our particular families and not in others'. It is my belief that, given who and what we are, individually and collectively, we are best suited for bringing out the potential in one another. We all have our own lessons to learn. We contribute to one another's growth and development. We ought to seek to bring out the best in one another.


Mmmm....
Talk about expectations!

Managing expectations is one of the hardest thing to do. Me managing my expectations of my children and they managing their expectations of me, AND me helping them to manage their expectations of themselves....lest they push themselves too hard and hurt themselves.


I will keep on trying to be the best mother I could be to the particular set of children given me. They've got to take me as I am. I can come no other way.
Just like I have got to accept them for who they are and what they are becoming.

One Feeble Step

Father, take me as I am. I can come no other way.
Just as I am, I come.

My sins, O God, are not hidden from you: you know how foolish I have been. Don't let me bring shame on those who trust in you, Sovereign LORD Almighty! Don't let me bring disgrace to those who worship you.

Create a pure heart in me, O God, and put a new and loyal spirit in me.

Thank you for the mind of Christ.

Lord Jesus, help me to fill my mind with those things that are good and that deserve praise : things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable. Help me put into practice what you've taught me and given me, both from your word and from watching your life while you walked this earth 2000 years ago. Give me peace. Be with me.

If you would not take away the hurt and the pain, then, give me strength to bear up and to rejoice in you.

Yes, I will do as you challenge me : I will not only thank you for your abiding presence and love, I will not only thank you for the strength which you give in order for me to face the hurt, but I will thank you FOR the hurt and the pain.

Thank you for allowing the hurt and the pain to enter (and remain in) my life.
I believe and proclaim that you know exactly why it is necessary, you know what you are doing, and you are fully in control, absolutely in charge! I believe you are infallible and your wisdom is infinite. Hence, I know I need not try to squirm out of what you have ordained for me.

You know the larger picture, you have the full picture.
I trust you.

Help me to put my hope in you, to remain at peace and joyful. Teach me to rejoice and be thankful - NOT IN SPITE OF THE HURT, but to rejoice and be thankful FOR THE HURT.
Humanly speaking, this sounds foolish and impossible. But, in the name of Jesus, and in his resurrection power, I believe it is possible for me TO REJOICE AND BE THANKFUL FOR THE HURT.

You have brought to my mind a few others who have lived my kind of life (and who must have had a taste of what I face daily) for many years now. They remain faithful to you. They do not wallow in self-pity and are not focussing on their "piteous" state. I will take a lesson from them.

Lord, I turn my eyes upon you. Help me fix my gaze upon you, and you only.
LORD, I look up to you, up to heaven, where you rule.
As a servant depends on his master, as a maid depends on her mistress,
so will (I) keep looking to you, O LORD (my) God,
until you have mercy on us.
Be merciful to us, LORD, be merciful...


It is better to trust in the LORD than to depend on man.
My help will come from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.


If the LORD does not build the house, the work of the builders is useless;
If the LORD does not protect the city,
it is useless for the sentries to stand guard.
It is useless to work so hard for a living,
getting up early and going to bed late.
For the LORD provides for those he loves,
while they are asleep.
Children are a gift from the LORD;
they are a real blessing.

LORD, I have given up my pride and turned away from my arrogance.
I am not concerned with great matters or with subjects too difficult for me.
Instead, I am content and at peace.
As a child lies quietly in its mother's arms,
so my heart is quiet within me.

LORD, you have examined me and you know me.
You know everything I do;
from far away you understand all my thoughts,
You see me, whether I am working or resting;
you know all my actions.
Even before I speak,
you already know what I will say,
You are all round me on every side;
You protect me with your power.
Your knowledge of me is too deep;
it is beyond my understanding.

You created every part of me;
You put me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because you are to be feared;
all you do is strange and wonderful.
I know it with my heart.
When my bones were being formed,
carefully put together in my mother's womb,
when I was growing there in secret,
you knew that I was there -
you saw me before I was born.
The days alloted to me had all been recorded in your book,
before any of them ever began.
O God, how difficult I find your thoughts;
how many of them there are!
If I counted them, they would be more than the grains of sand.


Examine me, O God, and know my mind;
test me, and discover my thoughts.
Find out if there is any evil in me and guide me in the everlasting way.

Remind me each morning of your constant love for I put my trust in you.
My prayers go up to you;
show me the way I should go.

You are my God;
teach me to do your will.

I call to the Lord for help;
I plead with him.
I bring him all my complaints;
I tell him all my torubles.
When I am ready to give up,
he knows what I should do.

LORD, place a guard at my mouth,
a sentry at the door of my lips.
Keep me from wanting to do wrong.

I am like a burning stick saved from the fire...I come back to you. Help me make it my aim to do what is right. Help me to continually love what is right.

Help me do all my work in love.

Yes, Lord. Live out your life and your love through me.
Help me to do all my work in love, whether or not that love is reciprocated.

You have seen me through 19 years. You can, if needs be, and if it is according to the Father's will, you will see me through another 19, and then another 19, and more, if it is necessary to go on. For as long as it is according to the Father's will and as long as you deem necessary.

Only help me...for I am weak.
In Christ, I can be strong.
Remain in me and help me to remain in you, always.

Lord of the pain, thank you.

Selfishness Personified!

Several nights ago, when I felt like I was going insane from being cooped up in the house for so long, I begged my husband to take me out.

"Just take me out, anywhere will do...even if it was just to take a car ride, or to go to the MacDonald's Drive-Through....anywhere, anywhere will do. I just need to get out of this place. I need a change of environment, a breath of fresh air!" I pleaded.

In the end, we went out for a cup of tea and a bowl of noodles. It was really difficult getting around, manoeuvring the wheelchair, trying to find access paths that enabled me to get from the car park to the hawker centre.

kerbs, Kerbs, KERBS, MORE KERBS, MORE AND MORE KERBS, KERBS EVERYWHERE!

THERE WERE KERBS EVERYWHERE! Along the walkway, in the carpark, along five-foot-ways outside shops, in the hawker centre, EVERYWHERE!

When we finally managed to find a slope that was not leading to any kerb, it was too steep for me to wheel myself up. My family members had to push me up. I felt sorry for wheelchair users who travelled alone. No wonder most of them stay home. It's such a challenge to move around in a wheelchair. There are kerbs everywhere!

Our town planners are simply not aware of the needs of wheelchair users. It's either that, or that they simply DO NOT CARE! I hope one day all such people will get a chance to experience the frustration of being in a wheelchair and not be able to move around freely. Then they will start to be more mindful of the needs of wheelchair-users in their planning.

Even slopes that are supposedly built for wheelchair access are not done in the correct incline - they are way too steep. It takes great arm muscle power to move one's wheelchair up such slopes. Needless to say, coming down such slopes presents great hazard. Use them at your own risk. It's not for the fainthearted. Neither is it for those who do not have muscle-power of a body-builder. I shudder to think what risk I would have to face - having more parts of my body fractured or injured - from wheeling my chair down such hazadous slopes. Rolling helplessly down a steep slope in a wheelchair and coming to a crashing halt is not something I count as an adventure! Believe me, it's not something that can be considered fun.


After the tea and the noodles, when we finally passed our obstacle relay course and made our way safely back from the hawker centre to the car, we set off for home. We were looking forward to getting home and into our comfortable bed to have a good night's rest after the strenuous and challenging obstacle course we'd just endured.

When we arrived at our car-park, I got out of the car and into my wheelchair. There were two access paths which led from the carpark to the void deck. To get to one of these access ways, I needed to wheel myself to the carpark lot that is reserved for disabled drivers.

When I got there, I found my neighbour's car parked smack in the middle of that lot. The access way was blocked. With that lot occupied, there was no way my wheelchair could get into the void deck. I tried the other alternative route. To my dismay, that other access opening was also blocked by another car. Everywhere else I tried, I met with kerbs, cars or drains.

I was stranded in the car park!

I sat helplessly in my wheelchair, waiting for my crutches to be fetched.

When my crutches were fetched, we had to search for a space in between two cars which was wide enough for me to hop through. It had to be wide enough so that my crutches would not accidentally hit the bodice of the cars and sound off their burglar alarm!

To hop to the void deck, I had to try to maintain my balance on my one good leg, heave myself up and over a kerb onto a grassy slope and then to inch my way precariously sideways (taking care to avoiding hitting the cars with my crutches), then down that same grassy patch and over another small kerb before I could make my way into the void deck.

Getting over those kerbs, especially that first one that separated the car park from the grassy slope, took me much courage and lots of patience from my husband - for a long time, I was afraid to "lift off" and heave myself up and over the high kerb to land on the grassy slope on the other side of the kerb. I was afraid I might lose my balance upon landing on the grassy slope and fall backwards.

For the longest time, I stood there, hesitating to heave myself up and over the kerb....until my husband finally lost his cool and hissed, "We are not going to spend the entire night here waiting for you to muster enough courage to get over this kerb, are we? Damn! Why can't these inconsiderate drivers leave the Reserved Lot alone and keep it vacant for wheelchair users?!" At that, he shoved the waiting empty wheelchair into a drain on his right, and strutted angrily towards me.

I was afraid he was going to hoist me up and over that darn kerb. No way! I'm too heavy for him to do that! I mustn't allow him to try. Quick as lightning (and I can't imagine how I did it), I heaved and humphed and I found myself over that kerb. I landed on the grass, almost lost my balance because it was wet and slippery, but managed to steady myself sufficiently to start inching my way sidewards towards the concrete path leading to the void deck.

When I finally managed to get back into the wheelchair, and when we got to the lift lobby, I found myself trembling all over, involuntarily, and my arm and shoulder muscles were screaming their protest. I was tired and angry.

More angry, than tired, actually.

Indeed, why can't those inconsiderate able-bodied motorists leave those 'Reserved For Disabled Drivers' carpark lots vacant? Those lots are reserved for the disabled for good, valid reasons! They give access to the void deck. Without these access points, wheelchair users are stranded in the carpark! They also give quick and convenient access to medics rushing patients into waiting ambulances! Motorists who block such access points and carelessly occupy these carpark lots are Selfishness personified! They ought to be taken to task, fined, punished!

Where are the Enforcement Officers?

Since that night, I have decided against going out anywhere....not until I can walk about on my own two feet! I feel sorry for those whose legs are never going to get better, whose feet will never serve them ever again. They'll probably have to remain home-bound and be restricted to the confines of their own homes.

Their needs and rights will continue to be ignored and denied by town-planners. They will continue to suffer at the hands of selfish motorists who think nothing of plonking their cars smack in the middle of lots which are reserved for wheelchair users. They will continue to merely exist on the fringe of our "civil and gracious" society.

Pah! Humbug! All this talk about building a gracious and inclusive society...what the heck are they talking about? Do they even know what they are talking about?!

"WAKE UP YOUR IDEAS!" Like the army guys will say.

Who are those people responsible for planning and building roads and carparks? Who are those people responsible for planning housing estates? Who train our architects? Put all these people and all architectural undergrads in wheelchairs and make them go around on wheelchairs for a week or so. Give them a taste of the bitter pill!

And do it while they're still doing their jobs planning and building towns and roads and housing estates, not when they're retired and helpless in a wheelchair. It'll be too late then, even if they were to have their epiphany moments then.

Winds of Change

Slowly, ever so slowly, but steadily, I am beginning to feel better.

The pain is easing off a little.

The mood is getting slightly lighter.

My life is increasingly becoming a little brighter.

There are good days, and bad.

Nonetheless, I am thankful that there are good days. Not like before, when everyday seemed to be nothing but a bad day.

I'm grateful.
Thank you, God.
You've lifted me out of the miry clay and set my feet upon the Rock.

Help me to stay on the Rock.

I tend to shift my focus and my feet begin to slide off into the miry clay again, and again, and again. How slow to learn I am!

If not for your patience, love, grace, mercy and compassion, I perish.

Learning Chinese

My on-going battle with learning Chinese...a nightmare which I'll probably not awaken from until (by God's grace) sometime between 2014 and 2017!

First, it was my own struggle with learning the language. I can speak the language, I can even read but I just can't write. After much difficulties, I managed to get a B3 in Chinese when I did the 'O' Level exam.

Then, it was my struggle in helping my daughter learn the language. She can speak the language. She can even read some words and simple phrases, but, like me, she just can't write. When she was finally 'done' with learning the language for passing exams, she started enjoying speaking Mandarin with friends. Now she speaks to her friends in Mandarin whenever she feels like it, or whenever the need arises. She gets by. She is clearly understood by her Mandarin speaking friends.

Now comes my struggle with helping my son to learn the language! Motivating him to want to learn the language is the toughest job I have to undertake.

His school teacher is not making it any easier for him, or for me! I must admit that my son's fierce and stubborn refusal to like the subject has made her feel as if she, too, was rejected.

She is fast losing her patience with him. She barks at him and puts him down for his lack of motivation. He retaliates by becoming even more unwilling to try. He hands in shoddy work.

She saw his unwillingness to try as an affront to her efforts and ability in teaching him. She takes offence and picks on him. He resents Chinese lessons in school and does all he can to squirm out of doing his Chinese homework. She gets annoyed when he doesn't hand in his work, scolds him and he protests silently by handing in shoddy work.

Lately, he has even resorted to hiding his homework away, coming home pretending that there is no homework. By the time we discover that he has homework left undone and not handed in, it has accumulated to such a monstrous pile!

Help me! I need PATIENCE!

PATIENCE
for my recovery from my knee op

for my having to 'fire-fight' at home in dealing with all the problems presented to me on this platter from which I can't turn away - why do I feel so alone when I am not?

for myself in dealing with myself in my present depressive reclusive state - why have I become so anti-social? It's so NOT me! What's happened to me?

OH! I need patience....AND wisdom....AND courage to plod on.

God, help me.